第三二篇 夫妇

　　所有已经结婚的人，头一件事必须看见，作丈夫，或者作妻子，是最严重的事。

　　我们每一个人，都必须有相当的预备，才能够就业。好像一个作医生的，要花五年，六年，七年的训练。一个作教员的，也得在师范学校读几年，才能出来教书。作工程师的，也得在大学里读四年，才能够作。一个人要作护士，也要读三年书。但是希奇，一个人作丈夫，一天都没有花工夫学；一个人作妻子，也一天都没有花工夫去学。怪不得有不好的丈夫，有不好的妻子。他们没有想一想，学一学。我今天请一个人来看病，如果他是一个从来没有学过医的，我怕他，我不放心。今天如果有一个护士，是从来没有学过的，我怕她，我不放心。今天要请一个教员教学生，如果那一个教员是从来没有学过的，我怕他，我不放心。今天我要盖一所房子，我只敢请一个人是作土木工程师的。没有学过土木工程的，我怕他，我不放心。同样，今天一个人要作丈夫，要作妻子，如果没有学过，我也不放心。

　　因为我们的父母，没有教训我们怎样作丈夫，怎样作妻子。就是因为我们成年了，职业也有了，养家的能力也有了，对象也有了，所以就结婚吧。请你记得，家庭中的难处，夫妻中的难处，就是从没有预备起的。两个人好像忽然间被人拖到婚姻里，被人请去作丈夫，被人请去作妻子，一点预备都没有，这一个家庭定规不好。所以我们要看见说，在我们一生之中，不管作什么事，总得有一点学习，总不敢突然而作。我们必须有一点预备，必须有一点学习，才能去作。

　　同时我们要看见说，在世界上，没有一个职业比作丈夫更困难，没有一个职业比作妻子更困难。所有的职业都是有钟点上下班的，只有这一个职业是一天二十四点钟不停的。所有的职业都有退休的时候，只有这一个职业没有退休的时候。这是非常厉害的职业，也是非常严重的职业。

　　我们现在就是不提已往的，你这一个不能作丈夫的人，已经作了丈夫。你这一个不能作妻子的人，已经作了妻子。你已经作了，你已经到了这一个地步。因为你马虎的缘故，所以家庭弄不好。到了今天，你要看见说，家庭是一件严重的事。所以，你应当回头再去学。作丈夫的人，要回头再去学怎样作丈夫。作妻子的人，要回头再去学怎样作妻子。

　　我愿意说，一个人以对付职业的态度来对付家庭，不一定能成功。但是今天人对付家庭的态度，远赶不上对付职业的态度。所以他这一个家庭非失败不可。你要把全副精神摆进去作，比从事职业还要认真。如果你马马虎虎的作，不当一件事情来作，这一个家庭怎能不失败呢？所以，你如果要你的家庭变作成功的家庭，你就必须把它当作一件事情来作，必须花工夫来作。不成功的总要作成功。这是严重的事，无论如何要成功。所有不留心，没有意思要他的婚姻成功的，他的婚姻一定不能成功。

　　所以，所有已经结婚的弟兄姊妹，你们应当学习，花工夫在神面前负责的对付。这一个比任何的职业更困难。你们在神面前应当花工夫学。盼望你们今天就起首要学。

贰

　　人一结婚之后，第一件要学习的事，就是要闭起眼睛来不看。

　　请你们记得，两个人住在一起作夫妇，一天过一天，一年过一年，也没有假期，一直是不离开的。你有够多的时间来找出对方的弱点，你有够多的时间来找出对方的难处。所以，你必须在神面前学习，一结婚之后，眼睛就要闭起来。结婚的目的，不是为着看出对方的弱点。结婚的目的，不是为着看出对方的难处。她是你的妻子，她不是你的学生。他是你的丈夫，他不是你的徒弟。所以并不需要你找出他的难处来帮助他。千万不要找出他的弱点来更改他。你们如果在这件事情上注意，家庭就建造在坚固的根基上。

　　就像我已经说过的，你们在没有结婚之前，眼睛要张得很大，要看得明白，所有的难处都要好好考虑。但是，等到已经结婚之后，就不管明白也好，不明白也好，从今天起就不要求明白。你如果要吹毛求疵，你很有机会可以找出来。神把你们两个人摆在一起，此后还有五十年，在这五十年之中，你们很有机会找出对方的弱点来。所以所有已经结婚的弟兄姊妹，必须看见说，结婚之后，第一件事就是闭起眼睛，不看对方有什么难处，不看对方有什么弱点。你不去看他，已经知道许多了，如果再故意去看他，那一个难处要越过越多。

　　神安排两个人作夫妇，神安排在这两个人之间有顺服，有爱。神没有安排作夫妇的人在那里找出对方的难处，而去更正对方。神不是设立你作教师，神也不是设立你作先生。所有的丈夫都不是妻子的教师，所有的妻子都不是丈夫的先生。没有一个人需要更改她的丈夫，没有一个人需要更改他的妻子。你娶来的是什么种的人，你就该盼望继续和她在一起。不需要去看对方的难处和弱点，想要帮助她。这一种帮助的思想，根本是错的。已经结婚的人，要学习眼睛闭起来。要学习爱对方，不必学习帮助对方，更改对方。

叁

要学习迁就

　　什么叫作迁就？迁就的意思就是说，我到半路上去接他。我们所要注意的是双方的。最好是双方。如果不可能双方，至少你这一边要动身到半路上去接他。就是有许多的难处，总要想法子脱离你自己的地位，到他那边去。如果能够完全过去，这是最好的事，至少你要走到半路去接他。换句话说，两个人成功作夫妇之后，我要学习在许多事情上，至少改掉一半。如果能壳完全改是最好的，否则改一半也是好的。总是去接他。我不坚持我的看法，我要学习改变我的主张。虽然我原来是这样看法，但是我学习迁就对方。

　　我能够对你们说，如果一对青年结婚之后，在头五年学习迁就，五年之后，这一个家庭会变作平安快乐的家庭。如果在头五年，两个人都不认识什么叫作迁就，就是你到半路上来，我也到半路上来；我出来走一半的路，你也出来走一半的路；丈夫想迁就自己的妻子，妻子想迁就自己的丈夫；如果不是这样，这一个家庭就不容易和睦。所以，婚姻不是简单的事，要有好的婚姻，必须花工夫在里面。

　　迁就的意思就是说，我总要体会对方的难处。有的人特别怕声音，有的人特别怕安静，有的人一吵闹不能过日子，有的人非热闹不能过日子。所以你们就得学习迁就。一个人喜欢安静，另一个说话就轻一点声音。你看见他走了一半路，她也走了一半路，在这里有迁就。比方说，一个非常喜欢整洁，一个非常懒惰。如果要那一个懒惰的完全跟着整洁的，有一天那一个懒惰的要把衣服枕头完全抛掉，在那里大大唱歌说，我的妻子回娘家去了。如果要那一个整洁的妻子完全跟着懒惰的，什么都是弄得那么脏，她也就巴不得快快回娘家去了。

　　所以我们作基督徒，应当学习舍己。舍己会叫你迁就。作丈夫的人要学习迁就一点，作妻子的人也要学习迁就一点，这样，这一个家庭至少能够平安过日子，但是，不敢说就能够喜乐的过日子。如果在家庭里舍己，在家庭里定规有迁就。在家庭里一没有舍己，在家庭里定规没有迁就。

　　这一个迁就的事，在家庭里不是几件，几十件。可能是几百件，几千件。不能盼望少。这就是家庭的管治。因为在家庭里有许多需要迁就的地方，所以在这里就有家庭的管治，叫你们学习接受管治。你们要把自己的意见摆在一边，学习接受别人所看见的，学习迁就。

肆

要学习欣赏对方的长处

　　我认识一个地方聚会里的负责弟兄，所有的弟兄姊妹都看他是一个非常好的弟兄。但绝不能向他的妻子打听，因为他的妻子总是说他是最不行的丈夫。我记得，那一个师母常批评她自己的丈夫说，他不配作负责的弟兄。所以，在那一个地方聚会里，所有的弟兄姊妹都是顺服的，只有一个不顺服，就是他的妻子。你看见，这一个家庭不会作得好。

　　有的人呢？掉一个头。许多人都觉得一位姊妹很好，只有她的丈夫觉得她不好。我记得，有一年我在北平，几个人在那里谈话的时候，大家都称赞某某姊妹很好。谈到一半的时候，她的丈夫进来了。当然那一个话题没有停止，仍接下去谈说，那一个姊妹多好。但是，她的丈夫在那里一直不说话。他的意思似乎说，你们都不知道，我是娶错了人。这一种娶错了人的思想，这一种嫁错了人的思想，已经够把家庭破坏。

　　所以，作丈夫的人，欣赏的能力最少不能比人低。丈夫欣赏的能力不一定要比人高，但是最少不能比人低。如果你欣赏的能力低，你不是一个对的人。你如果觉得丈夫错，你当初为什么嫁他？这证明你自己是错的。所以，要家庭好，必须丈夫会欣赏妻子，妻子会欣赏丈夫。不能别人说好，你说不好。你要在那里注意他的长处，感觉他的长处。有机会的时候，要公开承认他的长处。有机会的时候，要说你自己的感觉。你不是在那里作虚谎的事，你是在那里作真实地事。当你在那里欣赏你丈夫或你妻子的长处的时候，请你记得，这个家庭的团结就比从前更坚固，那一个关切就比从前更可靠。如果不是这样，在家庭里就要出很大的毛病。有许多家庭的误会或难处，就是从这上面出事的。

　　在英国，有一位姊妹嫁给一个弟兄。一生一世，这一个弟兄从来没有说她作得好。这位姊妹一直挂虑说，我作妻子失败了，我作基督徒失败了。她一直挂虑到生了肺病，后来就死了。在她快要死的时候，她的丈夫对她说，“你如果死了，我不知道怎么作，因你作了许多好事。你如果去世，我们这一个家庭怎么办？”这一个妻子就问他：“你为什么不早一点说？”妻子说，“我一直觉得我不好，我责备我自己。你一次都没有说我好，我忧愁，我挂虑，我一直以为我不对，所以我病了，要死了。”这是一件真实地事。她的丈夫到她要死的时候才告诉她。请你们记得，在家庭里的确用得着好话，应当多说几句好话，我们要学习多讲几句好话，在那里学习欣赏我们的妻子，学习欣赏我们的丈夫。

　　我也知道，有的弟兄事情作得不好，就是因为他的妻子不欣赏他。他的妻子总是想他不行，常说，“在这么许多弟兄中，就是你不行。”结果叫这一个弟兄在外面作什么事都控告自己：“我什么事情都不行，我的妻子说我不行，认识我最清楚人的人说我不行。”结果他就不行。所以，家庭生活能否美满，不只对于对方的弱点，难处，眼睛要闭起来，并且要学习找出对方的长处，要欣赏对方。有的时候要告诉对方，有的时候要公开的承认。这样作，能够除去家庭的许多难处。

伍

必须有礼貌

　　第五，在家庭里必须有礼貌。没有礼貌，乃是一件可憎恶的事。人除了对自己以外，无论对谁都应该有礼貌。不管一个朋友多熟，你一缺少礼貌，你就失去他。不管人和你多熟，你一失去礼貌，你就失去他。保罗在林前十三章告诉我们说，爱是不失礼的；爱不会没有礼貌。请你记得，在家庭里的难处，许多时候都是因为一些小小的事。一个人最没有礼貌的时候，常常就是在家里的时候。有许多人以为，妻子是我最熟的人，丈夫是我最熟的人，因此就把礼貌丢失了。请你记得，人生的接触所以有意义，所以美丽，和礼貌有很大的关系。一把礼貌拿走，人生丑恶的方面都显出来了。所以，不管人是多熟，礼貌还是应该维持。有一个弟兄解释得很好，礼貌好像机器里面的滑润油，机器有了滑润油，运转就很顺利了。这是真的。两个人的相处一没有礼貌，摩擦就发生了；一没有礼貌，不舒服的感觉就生出来了。

一

话语

　　所以，在家庭里，许多时候要学习说“谢谢。”许多时候要说“对不起。”许多时候，所谓礼貌上的话都应该有，像“谢谢，”“可不可以，”“对不起，”“请，”诸如此类的话。如果你把这些话一减少，连朋友都交不成功，何况在家庭里。“爱不失礼，”是基督徒特别应该记得的。要学习在家庭里说“对不起，”说“谢谢，”问“可不可以。”在家庭里要说有礼貌的话。

二

衣着

　　在家庭里，许多的时候，不只话语要对，要有礼貌，并且在衣服上也要对，也要穿得整齐。在你朋友的面前，你喜欢衣服穿得整齐。在你家庭的里面，衣服也要穿得整齐，在穿衣上也要不失礼。爱不失礼。要避免因为熟而过于随便。因为你一过于熟，过于随便，就容易失去礼貌。你就看见说，任何的过于熟，都产生厌烦，也产生轻视。夫妻本来就是熟的，因着礼貌减少就更熟。所以你的衣服也要穿得整齐，千万不要把最没有礼貌的衣服摆在家里面穿。

三

举动

　　我和人的家庭来往，虽然不多，也不少。一个人有礼貌，家庭里的难处就很少。我看见在家庭里夫妻有礼貌的，最少安静得多，最少盘子少响一点，筷子少响一点。那没有礼貌的，许多东西这样一摔，那样一丢，在家庭里就充满了摩擦。你看见，在一个家庭里，夫妻有礼貌，最少是一个平安的家庭。

　　我相信，今天有许多妻子的态度，拿去对待她的朋友，没有一个朋友要上她的家。我相信，今天许多丈夫的态度，拿去对待他的同事，所有他的同事都不要和他共事。所以要告诉弟兄们说，你的妻子已经很忍耐了，你的同事们所受不了的，她都忍受了。也要告诉许多作人妻子的姊妹说，你的丈夫很忍耐了，你如果把你对待你丈夫的态度来对待你的好朋友，她老早跑掉了。没有礼貌是粗的表示。没有一个基督徒可以粗。有学习的人，总是一个不失礼的人。

四

声音

　　我们要看见说，声调一不对，家庭就不安。随便的声音，重的声音，硬的声音，骄傲的声音，可怜自己的声音，好像殉道者的声音，自己爱自己的声音；这些声音都不能摆在家庭里。你如果把今天用在家里的声音，挪到任何的范围里去，你的事业，你的职业都要失败。你把这种的声音摆在家庭里，怪不得家庭出事情。所以，要学习有礼貌。爱不失礼，在声音上也要不失礼。不要随便的说话。如果在家庭里有随便的声音，你很容易看见说，这一个家庭作不好。

陆

必须叫爱生长

　　第六，在家庭里要作得好，必须叫爱能长，不要叫爱死。

　　常常有年轻的人问说，爱会死不会死？今天我能够在这里回答说，爱会死，并且容易死。爱，像所有有机的东西一样，需要喂养，需要食物。爱一没有食物就死了。你饿它，它就要死。你喂它，它就生长。

　　爱是婚姻的根基，爱也是家庭的根基。爱引两个人去结婚，爱也维持两个人在家庭里。你如果好好的喂养它，爱是很容易生长的。你如果饿它，爱是很容易死掉的。有许多人在结婚之前有爱，所以他们去结婚。在结婚之后，他们就下手去饿他们的爱，所以他们的爱就逐渐的死掉。

　　没有爱的结合是一件痛苦的事，没有爱的家庭更是一件痛苦的事。在一个家庭里没有爱，也许在目前，在中年以前还不觉得；但是到老年的时候，你就要看见说，这一个家庭是何等不行，是冰冷的家庭。那一个分别就大。所以要学习在中年以前，就喂养你家庭里的爱。要想法子喂养它，自然而然在这一个家庭里就充满了爱。

　　有一点还要注意的，就是说，每一个结婚的人，都应该找出对方所怕的是什么。绝对不要放纵自己随便的生活。每一个人都有他所最恨，他所最怕的东西。这一个恨，这一个怕，有的是人道德上的弱点。我就盼望作丈夫的，自己乐意有一点迁就；我也盼望作妻子的，也有一点迁就，彼此有纠正。有的没有道德上的弱点，却是对方所怕的，是对方所最不欢喜的，如果有这样的事，盼望你这一边要完全迁就。

　　我提起一两件事。前几年，我读过一个故事。在美国，有一个丈夫，到法庭去告他妻子虐待他。这一个故事，是有一点好笑，但是也很可怕。这一个丈夫怕单调的声音。他就是怕这一个。他和他妻子两个人爱相当深，但是，结婚之后，不到两年就不行了。他的妻子就是喜欢织绒线，一直有一种声音，他受不了。听了一年两年，到第七年，就到法庭上去告她，说她在精神上虐待他。法官说，织绒线没有罪，不能离婚。他说，我没有结婚的时候，我看她像羊羔一样，我爱她。姞婚了一年，我看她就是喜欢织绒线，而且不是织了就算，乃是织好了又完全拆掉，再织，就是喜欢织。弄到一个地步，不只我今天不要看见绒线，就是到街上去看见一只羊，我就想杀它。你如果不让我离婚，我把人家的羊杀了，你不要怪我。你们觉得这一个问题么？这是事实上的难处。他的妻子觉得织绒线没有什么，但是作丈夫的因怕织绒线，甚至连羊也要杀掉。

　　请你们记得，每一个人都有他所恨、所怕的东西。在这里里面没有道德的问题。一个人不喜欢听单调的声音，这就是他的特点。每一个人都有他的特点，那一个特点是没有道德的问题在里面的。每一个家庭要成功，作丈夫的，作妻子的，千万不要作一件事你看是不要紧，而另一个看是非常要紧的。你作一件事，他在那里忍不住，而你毫无感觉，这是会使家庭出问题的。

　　我在上海，常常和家庭来往。在我旅行的时候，也常常和家庭来往。家庭里的问题，所争的都是非常小的事。在旁的人面前，在朋友面前，以为是小的事，是无所谓的。但是，这些小的事，天天如此，常常如此，到一个地步，对方的忍耐都用光了，这一个家庭马上就要出非常重大的问题。

　　所以，你们在神的面前要看见说，两个人同居是非常细嫩的事，不是容易的事，不要以为可以随便。你所以为不要紧的事，刚好是另外一个人所恨的事，他就以为你给他精神上的虐待了。

柒

　　第七，在家庭里有另外一个条件，非常要紧，就是不能自私。

　　你如果结婚，你就得活出来像一个与人结婚的人。你不能活出来不像一个结婚的人。一个人结婚，林前七章说，要讨对方的喜悦（33~34）。家庭的难处，恐怕自私算是最大原因之一。

　　我记得，在美国有一个牧师，给人行婚礼，一生之中行了七百五十多对。他在每一次婚礼里讲道，都劝新婚的人注意一件事，就是不能自私。要结婚，就要有爱，不要自私。当这一个牧师年老的时候，就写信出去问那些结婚的人，这时候的情形如何。他们回信来说，家庭还是快乐的，因为不自私。以美国来说，这一个情形是特别的。在美国的婚姻中，有四分之一是离婚的。但是，这七百多对都很快乐。

　　所以，我们要看见，自私是大难处。我们要学习感觉对方的感觉，要学习摸出对方的痛苦，摸出对方的喜乐，要知道对方所怕的，要知道对方所恨的，要知道对方的难处，要知道对方的倾向。一个人一主观，就不能作好的丈夫。一个人一主观，就不能作好的妻子。所有主观的人都是自私的人。连自爱都是主观的。

　　我们必须看见，婚姻有一个基本的条件，就是牺牲，就是学习讨对方的欢喜。你如果讨对方的欢喜，你自己就要客观，不主观。不是你欢喜不欢喜，乃是要他欢喜。要学习找出他的喜欢，要学习明白对方的意思，要学习了解对方的看法。要学习站在他那一边来明白他自己，也要学习站在他那一边来明白你自己。要学习在可能的范围里牺牲你自己的感觉，牺牲你自己的意见，牺牲你自己的看法。寻求明白，寻求领会，寻求舍己，寻求爱。如果这样，这一个家庭的难处就相当的少。

　　有许多男的，结婚之后，在家庭里没有想别的，就是想他是全宇宙的中心，好像整个宇宙都是环绕着他。今天我娶一个妻子，接到我家里来，是为着我生活的利益，是为着我生活的好处。结果，这个家庭定规出事情，如果一个妻子以为说，我是宇宙的中心，所有的人都应当为我而活，所有的人都应当为着我的喜乐。我找到了一个人，就能够达到我奴役的目的。所有的人都在她的四围，她是中心。现在她把丈夫拿来，要达到她的目的。你马上看见，这一个婚姻定规失败。这一个婚姻是利己的婚姻。这一件事，弟兄姊妹要好好的注意。不然的话，家庭一定不会好。

捌

　　在家庭里，也必须给对方有相当的自由，给对方有相当的秘密，给对方有私有物。

　　有许多的家庭，妻子没有任何的权利。也有的家庭，丈夫没有任何的权利。结果，这个家庭定规出事情。一个家庭里，作丈夫的也好，作妻子的也好，基本上要记得一个事实，就是说，你能够爱全世界任何种的人，但有一种人你不能爱，就是腓立比的禁卒。没有一个人能够爱禁卒，爱典狱官，爱要你作囚犯的。凡叫你失去自由的，没有一个人能够爱他。请你们记得，有许多丈夫，对于他的妻子是一个典狱官。你盼望你的妻子爱你，你就是盼望一个囚犯来爱一个典狱官。这是没有可能的事。你的盼望太多，没有那个可能。有许多妻子是丈夫的典狱官，她盼望她丈夫来爱她，这是不可能的事。典狱官只会叫人怕，典狱官不会叫人爱。所以，每一个人，不管他如何，总不能把他所有的自由都拿去。虽然婚姻叫一个男人，叫一个女人，失去他的目由。但是，总不能叫所有的自由都失去。不是丈夫把所有的自由都给妻子，也不是妻子把所有的自由都给丈夫。如果你盼望妻子把所有的自由都给你，你就是盼望妻子怕你，或者恨你。

　　没有一个人愿意完全失去自由，这是人的天性。连神都给我们有自由。最大的凭据，就是地狱门口没有栏杆。最大的凭据，就是基路伯的火剑不在分别善恶树的四围。如果神不给人自由，就把基路伯的火剑围绕在分别善恶树的四围，亚当夏娃就不能吃它的果子。但是神不侵犯人的自由。所以，每一个丈夫都应当给妻子留下挑选的余地，每一个妻子也应当给丈夫留下挑选的余地。你把他的自由完全夺去，你替他出所有的主意，我告诉你，如果光是怕还是好的，不小心恨就来。因为自由一失去，恨就来；最少，怕会起来。

　　所以，在家庭里，丈夫要学习给妻子有相当的自由，妻子要学习给丈夫有相当的自由。可能有他自己的时间，可能有他自己的钱，可能有他自己的东西。不是说，因为两个是夫妇的缘故，我能够拖你的时间来用。夫妻都要学习守住自己的地位。你这样拖一拖，就把他的自由拖过来，叫他失去自由。你看见顶小的东西，能够发生顶大的难处。

　　每一个丈夫，每一个妻子，可以有他自己的秘密。这是一件合法的事。左手所作的事，可以不必给右手知道。他是左手，不必给你右手知道。所以，要学习尊重个人的存在，而不把两个人成功作一个。这样，这一个家庭能在许多事情上免去难处。

玖

解决家庭难处的路

　　第九，如果夫妻两个人有了难处，怎么办？要解决家庭的难处，该怎么办？夫妻难免有难处，夫妻难免有不同。但是，两个人都是成年的人，两个人都是神的儿女，应该学习知道对方的难处在那里，对方的不同在那里。在难处没有解决之先，你必须知道那一个难处是在那里。

一

解决必须公平

　　解决的方法必须公平。如果不公平，不能长久。你千万不要盼望，有一方面能够忍耐到底。在十个基督徒之中，也许碰着一个能忍耐到底，还有九个在家庭里不能忍耐到底。所以，如果解决不公平，这一个难处还是要爆发。我在上海的时候，也在家庭之中解决一点难处。大家常常希奇，为什么因着这样小的事闹得这样大？要知道，所有的小事情闹大，不是因着小事情，乃是因着历史。历史上有事情积下来，所以爆发起来。爆发的是小事，但是原因是早几年积下来的。所以，不要以为是小事，乃是因为当初解决的方法不够公平，所以忍耐到今天，就出了事。

二

要开夫妇会议

　　丈夫如果听过一次妻子说话，妻子如果听过一次丈夫说话，许多时候事情就解决了。常常有的妻子，只有自己说话，从来没有听过丈夫的话。如果听一下，许多时候难处就解决了。

　　坐下来谈的时候，必须把夫妇之中的争执很客观的拿出来，不是主观的拿出来。如果一主观，会议就开不成功。两个人在一起谈的时候是要找出那一个对的，是要找出那一个感觉。我不知道到底是你对，或者是我对，总要找出那一个对来。我要明白你的意思是如何。你要客观的作，不是主观的作。让他们两个人都说话。话说过之后，在一起祷告。总是在祷告之中求解决，求主明白指出两个人的难处在什么地方。若是能这样，总是到第二次祷告的时候，差不多的事都解决了。有许多难处就是因为两个人没有坐下来听话，没有客观的坐下来听话。一客观的坐下来听话，那一个难处已经除去了一半。再多一点，就找出那一个难处在什么地方。

　　一个家庭，在头几年里，这一种家庭的聚会能够开两次、三次，差不多你就能明白，到底难处在那里，应该怎么作。这一件事，在许多家庭里的的确确要学习。这的的确确会叫许多家庭的难处能够过去。

拾

必须有认罪有赦免

　　第十，在家庭里两个人必须有认罪，也必须有赦免。许多的错不能马马虎虎过去，必须认罪。自己的错不能马虎，总得认罪。别人的错总得赦免。

　　基督徒作错了事，基本的原则不是遮掩，也不是悔改。基督徒作错了事，基本的原则乃是认罪。基督徒不是作错了事盖起来，或者下一次不作就是了，这不是基督徒。基督徒作错了事，是要承认说，某一件事我错了。所以，一切作错了事的都得认罪。每一次在夫妻之中有把事情作错了的，就得悔改认罪说，我这一件事作错了。

　　这一个认错是在你错的时候。但是，对方错的时候，怎么办？这就要像在其他基督徒的关系里一样。人有错，要学习赦免，不能追究，不能计算。爱是不计算，就是指着不计算人的恶。不是把人的罪一一的记起来，乃是学习在神面前把他的罪一一的赦免。一赦免就得忘记，一赦免就得摆在一边。不能像彼得一样，在那里记账，这是第几次，第几次（太十八21~22）。一有第几次，你就看见说，没有赦免。正式的赦免，是不讲次数的。你一赦免，事情就过去。所以，一个家庭要作得好，必须有赦免。

拾壹

　　有的时候，有些事情有难处，你愿意把它带到教会的面前。请你记得，你不应该一个人把事情带到教会的面前。夫妻之间有难处，如果要带到教会面前，丈夫要得妻子的许可，妻子要得丈夫的许可。我们两个人，这一件事不知道如何解决，我们要教会来解决。不是两个人闹意见，乃是两个人要请教会解决。两个人要一同来，两个人要一同说。如果两个人乐意到教会面前来说，我们是基督徒，我们夫妻之间有一件事，要教会来找出错在那里。我要把我的意思叫教会知道，你也要把你的意思叫教会知道，两个人都乐意这样作。这样，我们也很容易解决难处。这不是报复，也不是要拆穿对方的错处，也不是要闹事情。告诉教会的用意，乃是真心要寻求那一个错在什么地方。

拾贰

　　第十二，要解决家庭的难处，要家庭共同的生活好，在积极方面总得好。特别是有孩子的父母，总得有在一起祷告的时间，总得有在一起等候神的时候，总要有在一起交通属灵的事的时候。作妻子的也好，作丈夫的也好，有的事情，要甘心乐意的在神的光底下受审判。丈夫不是维持丈夫的面子，妻子不是维持妻子的面子，两个都乐意在神的光底下受审判。要有属灵的谈话。有许多的时候能够一同祷告，有许多时候能够一同交通。特别那些有孩子的人，更要找机会多到神面前去。家庭作得好，必须两个人活在神的面前。一不活在神的面前，这一个家庭定规作不好。

　　我今天，就是提起这十二件事。盼望你们在家庭里学习这些共同的功课。盼望你们在这件事上不随便，不糊涂。在神面前，一不小心的学，家庭的难处，就都是教会的难处。请你们记得，一个人在家庭里和妻子不能同心，不能同居，就绝不能在教会里和弟兄姊妹同心。这是一定的。不能说，在家庭里和妻子大吵大闹，在教会里还能大唱阿利路亚。在家庭里能够好，到教会里面来才能够好。好的教会，需要好的家庭来维持。丈夫要好，妻子也要好。如果是这样的话，教会就没有难处。

　　读经：

　　西三18~19：“你们作妻子的，当顺服自己的丈夫，这在主里面是相宜的。你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，不可苦待他们。”

　　弗五22~23：“你们作妻子的当顺服自己的丈夫，如同顺服主。因为丈夫是妻子的头，如同基督是教会的头。祂又是教会全体的救主。”

壹

　　所有已经结婚的人，头一件事必须看见，作丈夫，或者作妻子，是最严重的事。

贰

　　人一结婚之后，第一件要学习的事，就是要闭起眼睛来不看。

叁

肆

伍

一

二

三

四

陆

　　第六，在家庭里要作得好，必须叫爱能长，不要叫爱死。

柒

　　第七，在家庭里有另外一个条件，非常要紧，就是不能自私。

捌

　　在家庭里，也必须给对方有相当的自由，给对方有相当的秘密，给对方有私有物。

玖

一

二

拾

　　第十，在家庭里两个人必须有认罪，也必须有赦免。许多的错不能马马虎虎过去，必须认罪。自己的错不能马虎，总得认罪。别人的错总得赦免。

拾壹

拾贰

　　读经：　　歌罗西书三章十八至十九节：“你们作妻子的，当顺服自己的丈夫，这在主里面是相宜的。你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，不可苦待他们。”
--------本段经节汇集--------

西3:18

作妻子的，要服从丈夫，这在主里是相宜的。

西3:19

作丈夫的，要爱妻子，不可苦待她们。

------------------------
　　彼得前书三章一至七节：“你们作妻子的，要顺服自己的丈夫；这样，若有不信从道理的丈夫，他们虽然不听道，也可以因妻子的品行被感化过来；这正是因看见你们有贞节的品行，和敬畏的心；你们不要以外面的辫头发、戴金饰、穿美衣，为妆饰，只要以里面存着长久温柔安静的心为妆饰；这在神面前是极宝贵的。因为古时仰赖神的圣洁妇人，正是以此为妆饰，顺服自己的丈夫；就如撒拉听从亚伯拉罕，称他为主；你们若行善，不因恐吓而害怕，便是撒拉的女儿了。你们作丈夫的，也要按情理与妻子同住；因她比你软弱，与你一同承受生命之恩的，所以要敬重她；这样便叫你们的祷告没有阻碍。”
--------本段经节汇集--------

彼前3:1

照样，作妻子的，要服从自己的丈夫，好叫那些甚至不信从主话的，也可以不用主的话，借着妻子的品行，被主得着，

彼前3:2

这是因为他们亲眼看见你们敬畏中纯洁的品行。

彼前3:3

你们的妆饰，不要重于外面的辫头发、戴金饰、穿衣服，

彼前3:4

乃要重于那以温柔安静的灵为不朽坏之妆饰的心中隐藏的人，这在神面前是极有价值的。

彼前3:5

因为从前那仰望神的圣别妇人，也是这样妆饰自己，服从自己的丈夫，

彼前3:6

就如撒拉顺从亚伯拉罕，称他为主；你们若行善，不怕任何的惊吓，便是撒拉的儿女了。

彼前3:7

照样，作丈夫的，要按情理与妻子同住，因为她是比你软弱的器皿，是女性；又要按她应得的分敬重她，因为她是与你一同承受生命之恩的，好叫你们的祷告不受拦阻。

------------------------
　　以弗所书五章二十二至二十三节：“你们作妻子的当顺服自己的丈夫，如同顺服主。因为丈夫是妻子的头，如同基督是教会的头。祂又是教会全体的救主。”
--------本段经节汇集--------

弗5:22

作妻子的，要服从自己的丈夫，如同服从主；

弗5:23

因为丈夫是妻子的头，如同基督是召会的头；祂自己乃是身体的救主。

------------------------
　　我们已经说过怎样挑选配偶，这是对年轻的弟兄姊妹说的。可是在我们中间，不都是年轻的；将来初信的人，也有已经结婚的。在圣经里，对于已经结婚的人，另外有教训。在圣经里，有的地方教训我们怎样作丈夫，有的地方教训我们怎样作妻子。一个人在没有结婚之前，可以挑选一个难处最少的人和他结婚。但是在一个人已经结婚之后，就应当在神面前学习，如何作丈夫，如何作妻子，来减少家庭的难处，和教会的难处。

壹

　　所有已经结婚的人，头一件事必须看见，作丈夫，或者作妻子，是最严重的事。　　我们每一个人，都必须有相当的预备，才能够就业。好像一个作医生的，要花五年，六年，七年的训练。一个作教员的，也得在师范学校读几年，才能出来教书。作工程师的，也得在大学里读四年，才能够作。一个人要作护士，也要读三年书。但是希奇，一个人作丈夫，一天都没有花工夫学；一个人作妻子，也一天都没有花工夫去学。怪不得有不好的丈夫，有不好的妻子。他们没有想一想，学一学。我今天请一个人来看病，如果他是一个从来没有学过医的，我怕他，我不放心。今天如果有一个护士，是从来没有学过的，我怕她，我不放心。今天要请一个教员教学生，如果那一个教员是从来没有学过的，我怕他，我不放心。今天我要盖一所房子，我只敢请一个人是作土木工程师的。没有学过土木工程的，我怕他，我不放心。同样，今天一个人要作丈夫，要作妻子，如果没有学过，我也不放心。　　因为我们的父母，没有教训我们怎样作丈夫，怎样作妻子。就是因为我们成年了，职业也有了，养家的能力也有了，对象也有了，所以就结婚吧。请你记得，家庭中的难处，夫妻中的难处，就是从没有预备起的。两个人好像忽然间被人拖到婚姻里，被人请去作丈夫，被人请去作妻子，一点预备都没有，这一个家庭定规不好。所以我们要看见说，在我们一生之中，不管作什么事，总得有一点学习，总不敢突然而作。我们必须有一点预备，必须有一点学习，才能去作。　　同时我们要看见说，在世界上，没有一个职业比作丈夫更困难，没有一个职业比作妻子更困难。所有的职业都是有钟点上下班的，只有这一个职业是一天二十四点钟不停的。所有的职业都有退休的时候，只有这一个职业没有退休的时候。这是非常厉害的职业，也是非常严重的职业。　　我们现在就是不提已往的，你这一个不能作丈夫的人，已经作了丈夫。你这一个不能作妻子的人，已经作了妻子。你已经作了，你已经到了这一个地步。因为你马虎的缘故，所以家庭弄不好。到了今天，你要看见说，家庭是一件严重的事。所以，你应当回头再去学。作丈夫的人，要回头再去学怎样作丈夫。作妻子的人，要回头再去学怎样作妻子。　　我愿意说，一个人以对付职业的态度来对付家庭，不一定能成功。但是今天人对付家庭的态度，远赶不上对付职业的态度。所以他这一个家庭非失败不可。你要把全副精神摆进去作，比从事职业还要认真。如果你马马虎虎的作，不当一件事情来作，这一个家庭怎能不失败呢？所以，你如果要你的家庭变作成功的家庭，你就必须把它当作一件事情来作，必须花工夫来作。不成功的总要作成功。这是严重的事，无论如何要成功。所有不留心，没有意思要他的婚姻成功的，他的婚姻一定不能成功。　　所以，所有已经结婚的弟兄姊妹，你们应当学习，花工夫在神面前负责的对付。这一个比任何的职业更困难。你们在神面前应当花工夫学。盼望你们今天就起首要学。

贰

　　人一结婚之后，第一件要学习的事，就是要闭起眼睛来不看。　　请你们记得，两个人住在一起作夫妇，一天过一天，一年过一年，也没有假期，一直是不离开的。你有够多的时间来找出对方的弱点，你有够多的时间来找出对方的难处。所以，你必须在神面前学习，一结婚之后，眼睛就要闭起来。结婚的目的，不是为着看出对方的弱点。结婚的目的，不是为着看出对方的难处。她是你的妻子，她不是你的学生。他是你的丈夫，他不是你的徒弟。所以并不需要你找出他的难处来帮助他。千万不要找出他的弱点来更改他。你们如果在这件事情上注意，家庭就建造在坚固的根基上。　　就像我已经说过的，你们在没有结婚之前，眼睛要张得很大，要看得明白，所有的难处都要好好考虑。但是，等到已经结婚之后，就不管明白也好，不明白也好，从今天起就不要求明白。你如果要吹毛求疵，你很有机会可以找出来。神把你们两个人摆在一起，此后还有五十年，在这五十年之中，你们很有机会找出对方的弱点来。所以所有已经结婚的弟兄姊妹，必须看见说，结婚之后，第一件事就是闭起眼睛，不看对方有什么难处，不看对方有什么弱点。你不去看他，已经知道许多了，如果再故意去看他，那一个难处要越过越多。　　神安排两个人作夫妇，神安排在这两个人之间有顺服，有爱。神没有安排作夫妇的人在那里找出对方的难处，而去更正对方。神不是设立你作教师，神也不是设立你作先生。所有的丈夫都不是妻子的教师，所有的妻子都不是丈夫的先生。没有一个人需要更改她的丈夫，没有一个人需要更改他的妻子。你娶来的是什么种的人，你就该盼望继续和她在一起。不需要去看对方的难处和弱点，想要帮助她。这一种帮助的思想，根本是错的。已经结婚的人，要学习眼睛闭起来。要学习爱对方，不必学习帮助对方，更改对方。

叁

要学习迁就

　　第三，要学习迁就。这一个乃是结婚后的第一个功课。不管夫妇两个人是何等的像，性情是何等的投合，你们迟早会找出来，两个人有许多的不同。你们还是有不同的看法，不同的喜欢，不同的恨恶，不同的主张和不同的倾向。你们迟早要找出来说，你们两个人的不同是何等的多。所以当你们一结婚之后，就要起首学习怎样能够彼此迁就。　　什么叫作迁就？迁就的意思就是说，我到半路上去接他。我们所要注意的是双方的。最好是双方。如果不可能双方，至少你这一边要动身到半路上去接他。就是有许多的难处，总要想法子脱离你自己的地位，到他那边去。如果能够完全过去，这是最好的事，至少你要走到半路去接他。换句话说，两个人成功作夫妇之后，我要学习在许多事情上，至少改掉一半。如果能壳完全改是最好的，否则改一半也是好的。总是去接他。我不坚持我的看法，我要学习改变我的主张。虽然我原来是这样看法，但是我学习迁就对方。　　我能够对你们说，如果一对青年结婚之后，在头五年学习迁就，五年之后，这一个家庭会变作平安快乐的家庭。如果在头五年，两个人都不认识什么叫作迁就，就是你到半路上来，我也到半路上来；我出来走一半的路，你也出来走一半的路；丈夫想迁就自己的妻子，妻子想迁就自己的丈夫；如果不是这样，这一个家庭就不容易和睦。所以，婚姻不是简单的事，要有好的婚姻，必须花工夫在里面。　　迁就的意思就是说，我总要体会对方的难处。有的人特别怕声音，有的人特别怕安静，有的人一吵闹不能过日子，有的人非热闹不能过日子。所以你们就得学习迁就。一个人喜欢安静，另一个说话就轻一点声音。你看见他走了一半路，她也走了一半路，在这里有迁就。比方说，一个非常喜欢整洁，一个非常懒惰。如果要那一个懒惰的完全跟着整洁的，有一天那一个懒惰的要把衣服枕头完全抛掉，在那里大大唱歌说，我的妻子回娘家去了。如果要那一个整洁的妻子完全跟着懒惰的，什么都是弄得那么脏，她也就巴不得快快回娘家去了。　　所以我们作基督徒，应当学习舍己。舍己会叫你迁就。作丈夫的人要学习迁就一点，作妻子的人也要学习迁就一点，这样，这一个家庭至少能够平安过日子，但是，不敢说就能够喜乐的过日子。如果在家庭里舍己，在家庭里定规有迁就。在家庭里一没有舍己，在家庭里定规没有迁就。　　这一个迁就的事，在家庭里不是几件，几十件。可能是几百件，几千件。不能盼望少。这就是家庭的管治。因为在家庭里有许多需要迁就的地方，所以在这里就有家庭的管治，叫你们学习接受管治。你们要把自己的意见摆在一边，学习接受别人所看见的，学习迁就。

肆

要学习欣赏对方的长处

　　第四，我们一结婚之后，就要学习欣赏对方的长处。在家庭里面，一面说，我们要学习迁就，把眼睛闭起来；另一方面，我们要学习欣赏对方的长处。这就是说，当对方事情作得好的时候，必须有感觉。如果丈夫不会欣赏他自己的妻子，这一个家庭已经有了一个很大的漏洞。如果妻子不会欣赏自己的丈夫，家庭的关系上也已经有了很大的漏洞。这不是说，作丈夫的要去谄媚自己的妻子，或者说作妻子的想法子讨好自己的丈夫。乃是说，每一个人都应该学习看见对方的长处，看见对方好的地方，看见对方美的地方。　　我认识一个地方聚会里的负责弟兄，所有的弟兄姊妹都看他是一个非常好的弟兄。但绝不能向他的妻子打听，因为他的妻子总是说他是最不行的丈夫。我记得，那一个师母常批评她自己的丈夫说，他不配作负责的弟兄。所以，在那一个地方聚会里，所有的弟兄姊妹都是顺服的，只有一个不顺服，就是他的妻子。你看见，这一个家庭不会作得好。　　有的人呢？掉一个头。许多人都觉得一位姊妹很好，只有她的丈夫觉得她不好。我记得，有一年我在北平，几个人在那里谈话的时候，大家都称赞某某姊妹很好。谈到一半的时候，她的丈夫进来了。当然那一个话题没有停止，仍接下去谈说，那一个姊妹多好。但是，她的丈夫在那里一直不说话。他的意思似乎说，你们都不知道，我是娶错了人。这一种娶错了人的思想，这一种嫁错了人的思想，已经够把家庭破坏。　　所以，作丈夫的人，欣赏的能力最少不能比人低。丈夫欣赏的能力不一定要比人高，但是最少不能比人低。如果你欣赏的能力低，你不是一个对的人。你如果觉得丈夫错，你当初为什么嫁他？这证明你自己是错的。所以，要家庭好，必须丈夫会欣赏妻子，妻子会欣赏丈夫。不能别人说好，你说不好。你要在那里注意他的长处，感觉他的长处。有机会的时候，要公开承认他的长处。有机会的时候，要说你自己的感觉。你不是在那里作虚谎的事，你是在那里作真实地事。当你在那里欣赏你丈夫或你妻子的长处的时候，请你记得，这个家庭的团结就比从前更坚固，那一个关切就比从前更可靠。如果不是这样，在家庭里就要出很大的毛病。有许多家庭的误会或难处，就是从这上面出事的。　　在英国，有一位姊妹嫁给一个弟兄。一生一世，这一个弟兄从来没有说她作得好。这位姊妹一直挂虑说，我作妻子失败了，我作基督徒失败了。她一直挂虑到生了肺病，后来就死了。在她快要死的时候，她的丈夫对她说，“你如果死了，我不知道怎么作，因你作了许多好事。你如果去世，我们这一个家庭怎么办？”这一个妻子就问他：“你为什么不早一点说？”妻子说，“我一直觉得我不好，我责备我自己。你一次都没有说我好，我忧愁，我挂虑，我一直以为我不对，所以我病了，要死了。”这是一件真实地事。她的丈夫到她要死的时候才告诉她。请你们记得，在家庭里的确用得着好话，应当多说几句好话，我们要学习多讲几句好话，在那里学习欣赏我们的妻子，学习欣赏我们的丈夫。　　我也知道，有的弟兄事情作得不好，就是因为他的妻子不欣赏他。他的妻子总是想他不行，常说，“在这么许多弟兄中，就是你不行。”结果叫这一个弟兄在外面作什么事都控告自己：“我什么事情都不行，我的妻子说我不行，认识我最清楚人的人说我不行。”结果他就不行。所以，家庭生活能否美满，不只对于对方的弱点，难处，眼睛要闭起来，并且要学习找出对方的长处，要欣赏对方。有的时候要告诉对方，有的时候要公开的承认。这样作，能够除去家庭的许多难处。

伍

一

二

三

　　还有，在举勋上，也要有礼貌。拿东西的时候，最好用盘子端，最好是两只手。如果只能是一只手，就态度也得对。拿刀子给人的时候，不是把刀尖插到人身上去。拿剪刀给人的时候，不是把尖头给人。拿东西给人的时候，要送给他，不是摔给他。在家庭里要特别注意这一种的态度。一件东西，拿和摔最多时间省了三秒钟，但是那一个结果差了太多。要学习有礼貌。　　我和人的家庭来往，虽然不多，也不少。一个人有礼貌，家庭里的难处就很少。我看见在家庭里夫妻有礼貌的，最少安静得多，最少盘子少响一点，筷子少响一点。那没有礼貌的，许多东西这样一摔，那样一丢，在家庭里就充满了摩擦。你看见，在一个家庭里，夫妻有礼貌，最少是一个平安的家庭。　　我相信，今天有许多妻子的态度，拿去对待她的朋友，没有一个朋友要上她的家。我相信，今天许多丈夫的态度，拿去对待他的同事，所有他的同事都不要和他共事。所以要告诉弟兄们说，你的妻子已经很忍耐了，你的同事们所受不了的，她都忍受了。也要告诉许多作人妻子的姊妹说，你的丈夫很忍耐了，你如果把你对待你丈夫的态度来对待你的好朋友，她老早跑掉了。没有礼貌是粗的表示。没有一个基督徒可以粗。有学习的人，总是一个不失礼的人。

四

声音

　　在礼貌之中，还有一个要求，就是声音。要记得，每一句话，话虽然是一样，说法却不一样，声调也不一样。上司对下属说话的时候，有他的声调。朋友对朋友说话的时候，也有他的声调。人爱的时候，说话也有爱的声调。人恨的时候，说话也有恨的声调。今天我们把最好的声音在外面用光了，回到家里来，都用不好的声音，这是许多人的难处。在公事房里对同事很客气，在医院里对病人还忍耐，在学校里对学生都能相当留心的说话。但是，回到家里的时候，就随便什么声音都出来。请你记得，如果你把家里的声音挪到办公厅里去，两天就要被赶出去。许多人最没有礼貌的声音能够在家里面用，最粗的声音能够在家里面用，这一个家庭自然没有法子维持。　　我们要看见说，声调一不对，家庭就不安。随便的声音，重的声音，硬的声音，骄傲的声音，可怜自己的声音，好像殉道者的声音，自己爱自己的声音；这些声音都不能摆在家庭里。你如果把今天用在家里的声音，挪到任何的范围里去，你的事业，你的职业都要失败。你把这种的声音摆在家庭里，怪不得家庭出事情。所以，要学习有礼貌。爱不失礼，在声音上也要不失礼。不要随便的说话。如果在家庭里有随便的声音，你很容易看见说，这一个家庭作不好。

陆

必须叫爱生长

　　第六，在家庭里要作得好，必须叫爱能长，不要叫爱死。　　常常有年轻的人问说，爱会死不会死？今天我能够在这里回答说，爱会死，并且容易死。爱，像所有有机的东西一样，需要喂养，需要食物。爱一没有食物就死了。你饿它，它就要死。你喂它，它就生长。　　爱是婚姻的根基，爱也是家庭的根基。爱引两个人去结婚，爱也维持两个人在家庭里。你如果好好的喂养它，爱是很容易生长的。你如果饿它，爱是很容易死掉的。有许多人在结婚之前有爱，所以他们去结婚。在结婚之后，他们就下手去饿他们的爱，所以他们的爱就逐渐的死掉。　　没有爱的结合是一件痛苦的事，没有爱的家庭更是一件痛苦的事。在一个家庭里没有爱，也许在目前，在中年以前还不觉得；但是到老年的时候，你就要看见说，这一个家庭是何等不行，是冰冷的家庭。那一个分别就大。所以要学习在中年以前，就喂养你家庭里的爱。要想法子喂养它，自然而然在这一个家庭里就充满了爱。　　有一点还要注意的，就是说，每一个结婚的人，都应该找出对方所怕的是什么。绝对不要放纵自己随便的生活。每一个人都有他所最恨，他所最怕的东西。这一个恨，这一个怕，有的是人道德上的弱点。我就盼望作丈夫的，自己乐意有一点迁就；我也盼望作妻子的，也有一点迁就，彼此有纠正。有的没有道德上的弱点，却是对方所怕的，是对方所最不欢喜的，如果有这样的事，盼望你这一边要完全迁就。　　我提起一两件事。前几年，我读过一个故事。在美国，有一个丈夫，到法庭去告他妻子虐待他。这一个故事，是有一点好笑，但是也很可怕。这一个丈夫怕单调的声音。他就是怕这一个。他和他妻子两个人爱相当深，但是，结婚之后，不到两年就不行了。他的妻子就是喜欢织绒线，一直有一种声音，他受不了。听了一年两年，到第七年，就到法庭上去告她，说她在精神上虐待他。法官说，织绒线没有罪，不能离婚。他说，我没有结婚的时候，我看她像羊羔一样，我爱她。姞婚了一年，我看她就是喜欢织绒线，而且不是织了就算，乃是织好了又完全拆掉，再织，就是喜欢织。弄到一个地步，不只我今天不要看见绒线，就是到街上去看见一只羊，我就想杀它。你如果不让我离婚，我把人家的羊杀了，你不要怪我。你们觉得这一个问题么？这是事实上的难处。他的妻子觉得织绒线没有什么，但是作丈夫的因怕织绒线，甚至连羊也要杀掉。　　请你们记得，每一个人都有他所恨、所怕的东西。在这里里面没有道德的问题。一个人不喜欢听单调的声音，这就是他的特点。每一个人都有他的特点，那一个特点是没有道德的问题在里面的。每一个家庭要成功，作丈夫的，作妻子的，千万不要作一件事你看是不要紧，而另一个看是非常要紧的。你作一件事，他在那里忍不住，而你毫无感觉，这是会使家庭出问题的。　　我在上海，常常和家庭来往。在我旅行的时候，也常常和家庭来往。家庭里的问题，所争的都是非常小的事。在旁的人面前，在朋友面前，以为是小的事，是无所谓的。但是，这些小的事，天天如此，常常如此，到一个地步，对方的忍耐都用光了，这一个家庭马上就要出非常重大的问题。　　所以，你们在神的面前要看见说，两个人同居是非常细嫩的事，不是容易的事，不要以为可以随便。你所以为不要紧的事，刚好是另外一个人所恨的事，他就以为你给他精神上的虐待了。

柒

　　第七，在家庭里有另外一个条件，非常要紧，就是不能自私。　　你如果结婚，你就得活出来像一个与人结婚的人。你不能活出来不像一个结婚的人。一个人结婚，林前七章说，要讨对方的喜悦（33~34）。家庭的难处，恐怕自私算是最大原因之一。
--------本段经节汇集--------
哥林多前书七章（略，若需要被汇集，请勾选“不忽略整章”）

林前7:33

娶了妻的，是为世上的事挂虑，想怎样讨妻子喜悦，就分心了。

林前7:34

未结婚的妇女和守童身的女子，是为着主的事挂虑，要在身体和灵上都圣别；已经出嫁的，是为世上的事挂虑，想怎样讨丈夫喜悦。

------------------------
　　我记得，在美国有一个牧师，给人行婚礼，一生之中行了七百五十多对。他在每一次婚礼里讲道，都劝新婚的人注意一件事，就是不能自私。要结婚，就要有爱，不要自私。当这一个牧师年老的时候，就写信出去问那些结婚的人，这时候的情形如何。他们回信来说，家庭还是快乐的，因为不自私。以美国来说，这一个情形是特别的。在美国的婚姻中，有四分之一是离婚的。但是，这七百多对都很快乐。　　所以，我们要看见，自私是大难处。我们要学习感觉对方的感觉，要学习摸出对方的痛苦，摸出对方的喜乐，要知道对方所怕的，要知道对方所恨的，要知道对方的难处，要知道对方的倾向。一个人一主观，就不能作好的丈夫。一个人一主观，就不能作好的妻子。所有主观的人都是自私的人。连自爱都是主观的。　　我们必须看见，婚姻有一个基本的条件，就是牺牲，就是学习讨对方的欢喜。你如果讨对方的欢喜，你自己就要客观，不主观。不是你欢喜不欢喜，乃是要他欢喜。要学习找出他的喜欢，要学习明白对方的意思，要学习了解对方的看法。要学习站在他那一边来明白他自己，也要学习站在他那一边来明白你自己。要学习在可能的范围里牺牲你自己的感觉，牺牲你自己的意见，牺牲你自己的看法。寻求明白，寻求领会，寻求舍己，寻求爱。如果这样，这一个家庭的难处就相当的少。　　有许多男的，结婚之后，在家庭里没有想别的，就是想他是全宇宙的中心，好像整个宇宙都是环绕着他。今天我娶一个妻子，接到我家里来，是为着我生活的利益，是为着我生活的好处。结果，这个家庭定规出事情，如果一个妻子以为说，我是宇宙的中心，所有的人都应当为我而活，所有的人都应当为着我的喜乐。我找到了一个人，就能够达到我奴役的目的。所有的人都在她的四围，她是中心。现在她把丈夫拿来，要达到她的目的。你马上看见，这一个婚姻定规失败。这一个婚姻是利己的婚姻。这一件事，弟兄姊妹要好好的注意。不然的话，家庭一定不会好。

捌

　　在家庭里，也必须给对方有相当的自由，给对方有相当的秘密，给对方有私有物。　　有许多的家庭，妻子没有任何的权利。也有的家庭，丈夫没有任何的权利。结果，这个家庭定规出事情。一个家庭里，作丈夫的也好，作妻子的也好，基本上要记得一个事实，就是说，你能够爱全世界任何种的人，但有一种人你不能爱，就是腓立比的禁卒。没有一个人能够爱禁卒，爱典狱官，爱要你作囚犯的。凡叫你失去自由的，没有一个人能够爱他。请你们记得，有许多丈夫，对于他的妻子是一个典狱官。你盼望你的妻子爱你，你就是盼望一个囚犯来爱一个典狱官。这是没有可能的事。你的盼望太多，没有那个可能。有许多妻子是丈夫的典狱官，她盼望她丈夫来爱她，这是不可能的事。典狱官只会叫人怕，典狱官不会叫人爱。所以，每一个人，不管他如何，总不能把他所有的自由都拿去。虽然婚姻叫一个男人，叫一个女人，失去他的目由。但是，总不能叫所有的自由都失去。不是丈夫把所有的自由都给妻子，也不是妻子把所有的自由都给丈夫。如果你盼望妻子把所有的自由都给你，你就是盼望妻子怕你，或者恨你。　　没有一个人愿意完全失去自由，这是人的天性。连神都给我们有自由。最大的凭据，就是地狱门口没有栏杆。最大的凭据，就是基路伯的火剑不在分别善恶树的四围。如果神不给人自由，就把基路伯的火剑围绕在分别善恶树的四围，亚当夏娃就不能吃它的果子。但是神不侵犯人的自由。所以，每一个丈夫都应当给妻子留下挑选的余地，每一个妻子也应当给丈夫留下挑选的余地。你把他的自由完全夺去，你替他出所有的主意，我告诉你，如果光是怕还是好的，不小心恨就来。因为自由一失去，恨就来；最少，怕会起来。　　所以，在家庭里，丈夫要学习给妻子有相当的自由，妻子要学习给丈夫有相当的自由。可能有他自己的时间，可能有他自己的钱，可能有他自己的东西。不是说，因为两个是夫妇的缘故，我能够拖你的时间来用。夫妻都要学习守住自己的地位。你这样拖一拖，就把他的自由拖过来，叫他失去自由。你看见顶小的东西，能够发生顶大的难处。　　每一个丈夫，每一个妻子，可以有他自己的秘密。这是一件合法的事。左手所作的事，可以不必给右手知道。他是左手，不必给你右手知道。所以，要学习尊重个人的存在，而不把两个人成功作一个。这样，这一个家庭能在许多事情上免去难处。

玖

解决家庭难处的路

一

解决必须公平

二

要开夫妇会议

　　所以，最好我们旁边的人不管，让他们两个开夫妇会议。两个人有意见，让两个人把意见彼此对付。不要消息灵通到别处，而在家里不灵通。关于丈夫的消息，在二十里之外都知道，而丈夫自己不知道。关于妻子的，消息在二十里之外都知道，而妻子自己不知道。所以，要他们把自己的事，作妻子的说给丈夫听见，作丈夫的说给妻子听见，两个人自己清楚。我们已往的经验是说，丈夫从来不知道妻子的意见，妻子从来不知道丈夫的意见。别人都知道了，反而他们不知道。所以要给他们说话的机会，要对方说完了再说。防备会说话的人，把一切的话都说了。所以，丈夫要听妻子说，妻子要听丈夫说。　　丈夫如果听过一次妻子说话，妻子如果听过一次丈夫说话，许多时候事情就解决了。常常有的妻子，只有自己说话，从来没有听过丈夫的话。如果听一下，许多时候难处就解决了。　　坐下来谈的时候，必须把夫妇之中的争执很客观的拿出来，不是主观的拿出来。如果一主观，会议就开不成功。两个人在一起谈的时候是要找出那一个对的，是要找出那一个感觉。我不知道到底是你对，或者是我对，总要找出那一个对来。我要明白你的意思是如何。你要客观的作，不是主观的作。让他们两个人都说话。话说过之后，在一起祷告。总是在祷告之中求解决，求主明白指出两个人的难处在什么地方。若是能这样，总是到第二次祷告的时候，差不多的事都解决了。有许多难处就是因为两个人没有坐下来听话，没有客观的坐下来听话。一客观的坐下来听话，那一个难处已经除去了一半。再多一点，就找出那一个难处在什么地方。　　一个家庭，在头几年里，这一种家庭的聚会能够开两次、三次，差不多你就能明白，到底难处在那里，应该怎么作。这一件事，在许多家庭里的的确确要学习。这的的确确会叫许多家庭的难处能够过去。

拾

必须有认罪有赦免

　　第十，在家庭里两个人必须有认罪，也必须有赦免。许多的错不能马马虎虎过去，必须认罪。自己的错不能马虎，总得认罪。别人的错总得赦免。　　基督徒作错了事，基本的原则不是遮掩，也不是悔改。基督徒作错了事，基本的原则乃是认罪。基督徒不是作错了事盖起来，或者下一次不作就是了，这不是基督徒。基督徒作错了事，是要承认说，某一件事我错了。所以，一切作错了事的都得认罪。每一次在夫妻之中有把事情作错了的，就得悔改认罪说，我这一件事作错了。　　这一个认错是在你错的时候。但是，对方错的时候，怎么办？这就要像在其他基督徒的关系里一样。人有错，要学习赦免，不能追究，不能计算。爱是不计算，就是指着不计算人的恶。不是把人的罪一一的记起来，乃是学习在神面前把他的罪一一的赦免。一赦免就得忘记，一赦免就得摆在一边。不能像彼得一样，在那里记账，这是第几次，第几次（太十八21~22）。一有第几次，你就看见说，没有赦免。正式的赦免，是不讲次数的。你一赦免，事情就过去。所以，一个家庭要作得好，必须有赦免。
--------本段经节汇集--------

太18:21

那时，彼得进前来，对耶稣说，主啊，我的弟兄得罪我，我当赦免他几次？到七次么？

太18:22

耶稣对他说，我不是对你说到七次，乃是到七十个七次。

马太福音一章（略，若需要被汇集，请勾选“不忽略整章”）
马太福音一章（略，若需要被汇集，请勾选“不忽略整章”）
------------------------

拾壹

　　当家庭有难处的时候，自己先要用家庭的会议来对付。有的地方赦免，有的地方认罪。当家庭的难处不能带过去的时候，第三者是很不容易解决的。两个人的难处，在两个人之中是很容易解决的，加上第三个人就很不容易解决。所以，要尽力量叫难处简单地解决，而不要复杂的解决。你对第三个人说难处，就像把脚摔破了，把泥加进去。脚摔破了，不把泥加进去，容易解决。如果把泥加进去，就不容易解决。两个人的难处，不去告诉第三个人，容易解决。如果去告诉第三个人，这一件事就不容易解决。所以，要学习自己解决自己的问题，而不去告诉第三者。　　有的时候，有些事情有难处，你愿意把它带到教会的面前。请你记得，你不应该一个人把事情带到教会的面前。夫妻之间有难处，如果要带到教会面前，丈夫要得妻子的许可，妻子要得丈夫的许可。我们两个人，这一件事不知道如何解决，我们要教会来解决。不是两个人闹意见，乃是两个人要请教会解决。两个人要一同来，两个人要一同说。如果两个人乐意到教会面前来说，我们是基督徒，我们夫妻之间有一件事，要教会来找出错在那里。我要把我的意思叫教会知道，你也要把你的意思叫教会知道，两个人都乐意这样作。这样，我们也很容易解决难处。这不是报复，也不是要拆穿对方的错处，也不是要闹事情。告诉教会的用意，乃是真心要寻求那一个错在什么地方。

拾贰

　Scripture Reading: Col. 3:18-19; 1 Pet. 3:1-7; Eph. 5:22-23

　We have already covered the subject of choosing a mate. That word was for the young brothers and sisters. However, not everyone among us is young. In the future some new believers among us will be married ones. The Bible has clear teachings for those who are married. Some portions of the Word contain teachings for husbands, and some portions contain teachings for wives. Before a person is married, he should do his best to choose someone with the fewest number of weaknesses. However, after a person is married, he or she has to learn to behave in a way that avoids causing problems to the family or the church.

Ⅰ

SPENDING TIME TO LEARN TO BE A HUSBAND OR A WIFE

　Our parents never taught us to be husbands or wives. When we grow up, we find a job. When we have the ability to support a family, we find a partner and get married. Please remember that many difficulties arise between the husband and the wife because neither has undergone any preparation. When two persons are drawn into a marriage unprepared and suddenly find themselves husband and wife, how can they expect anything but problems for the family? Everything we do with our life requires training; we dare not jump into anything rashly. We prepare for our work and try to learn something about it before we plunge into it.

　We must see that no job is more difficult than the job of being a husband or a wife. All jobs have fixed working hours. This is the only job that takes up all twenty-four hours of the day. Every job has a retirement age except this one. This is a very serious vocation and a very important one.

　For now we will put the past behind us. Even though you were not prepared when you became a husband or a wife, you have nevertheless become one. You are already married and have reached this point in your life. Perhaps your looseness in the past has ruined your family. Today you have to see that the family is a very serious matter. You have to go back and learn your lessons all over again. The husbands need to go back to learn how to be husbands, and the wives need to go back to learn how to be wives.

　It may not work for a person to try to apply the same earnestness he adopts in his job to his family. The truth, however, is that many people are far more careless toward their family than they are toward their jobs. This invites inevitable failure into their family. We have to pour all of our energy into building our family. We have to be more conscientious with it than with our jobs. If we behave carelessly and do not consider being a husband or a wife a serious occupation, our family will end up with nothing but failure. If we want our family to be a successful family, we have to cherish it as a job and spend time with it. We have to try our best to make it work. This is serious business, and we have to make it work at all costs. Those who are careless about their marriage and have no intention of making it a success will never have a successful marriage.

　All married brothers and sisters must learn this lesson. We must spend time before the Lord to deal with this matter in a responsible way. This is a more difficult job than any other job. We need to spend time before the Lord to learn our lesson well. I hope that we will start learning it today.

Ⅱ

CLOSING ONE’S EYES TO THE OTHER PARTY’S WEAKNESSES

　As I mentioned earlier, one has to open his eyes wide to discern and consider all the faults of the other party carefully before entering into a marriage. But after he is married, he should not try to know anything more. From the day he is married, he should forget about trying to understand anything. If he tries to find faults, he can easily find some. However, God has put the two together. They may have the next fifty years together. Each side will have all the opportunities he or she wants to find out the weaknesses of the other party during those fifty years. This is why the first thing to do after being married is to close your eyes to the other person’s faults and weaknesses. You know a great deal already. If you intentionally try to find out more, you will end up with nothing but trouble.

　When God puts two persons together as husband and wife, His intention is that there be submission and love between the two. He has no intention for them to discover each other’s faults or to correct each other. God has not made you a teacher or a master. None of the husbands are the teachers of their wives, and none of the wives are the masters of their husbands. No one needs to correct her husband, and no one needs to correct his wife. Whatever type of person you have married, you should expect them to continue in the same way. There is no need to look at the faults and weaknesses of others and try to change them. A motive of trying to change the other party is basically wrong. Those who are married must learn to close their eyes. Learn to love the other party. Do not try to help or correct them.

Ⅲ

LEARNING TO ACCOMMODATE

　What does it mean to accommodate? The meaning of accommodation is to meet someone halfway. We need to take note that it is something mutual. The best thing is for both sides to give in. If it is not possible for both sides to give in, at least one side must try to go halfway. Even if one sees many problems, he should still try to move away from his own position to the other party’s position. It is best to move over completely. But at least one should meet the other halfway. In other words, after two people are married, both must learn to change at least half of everything they do. It is best to change completely. But at least they should change half of what they do. Always go out of your way to meet the other party. To accommodate means to not insist on one’s own view and to be willing to drop one’s ideas. A person may have a certain view, but he compromises his view for the other’s sake.

　If a young couple would learn to accommodate each other during the first five years of their marriage life, they would have a peaceful and happy family after these five years. Accommodation means one side goes halfway and the other side also goes halfway. It means one side moves halfway across and the other side also moves halfway across. The husband gives in to the wife, and the wife gives in to the husband. If neither party knows the meaning of this during the first five years of their marriage life, it will be difficult for the family to go on harmoniously. Marriage is not a simple matter. In order to have a good marriage, one must put much effort into it to make it good.

　Accommodating others means sympathizing with the other person’s limitations. Some people are very sensitive to sound. Others are very afraid of silence. Some cannot stand noise, while others cannot live without noise and excitement. That is why you have to learn to accommodate. If one person likes to be quiet and the other person lowers his voice for this one’s sake, both have gone halfway, and there is accommodation. Suppose one is extremely clean, while the other is extremely lazy. If the lazy one has to go along with the clean one all the way, he will throw down his pillows and clothes and sing for joy when his wife leaves for her parents. On the other hand, if the tidy wife always has to go along with the lazy one, she will want to move back to her parents’ home when she cannot put up with the mess.

　As Christians we should learn to deny ourselves. Self-denial makes one an accommodating person. Both the husband and the wife have to learn to accommodate each other. In this way the family will have peace, even if they do not yet have happiness. If there is self-denial in the family, there will surely be accommodation in the family. If there is no self-denial in the family, no one will be accommodating.

　Accommodation is needed not only in a few things or a dozen things but even in hundreds and thousands of things. We cannot expect anything less. This is the discipline God gives to us in the family. Because we have to accommodate others in the family, we are disciplined through the family. This is the way we learn discipline. We must learn to put our views aside and accept the views of others. We must learn to accommodate.

Ⅳ

LEARNING TO APPRECIATE THE VIRTUES OF THE OTHER PERSON

　I know a brother who is taking responsibility in a local church. All the brothers and sisters in that locality think that he is a very good brother. But if you ask his wife about him, she will tell you that he is hopeless. The sister constantly criticizes her husband, saying that he is not qualified to be a responsible brother. In that local church, all the brothers and sisters are submissive, with one exception—his wife. You will find that this kind of family will not go on well.

　We also know of cases involving the opposite circumstance, in which everyone says that a certain sister is very good, but her husband does not. One year I was in Peking talking to a few people. Everyone there spoke highly of a certain sister. Halfway through the conversation, her husband came in. As the conversation about the sister went on, her husband remained silent. He seemed to be saying, “You do not know her. I have married the wrong person.” The thought that one has married the wrong person has destroyed many families.

　A husband must not be behind others in his appreciation of his wife. He may not need to excel above others in his appreciation, but he must not be behind others. You are not a proper spouse if your level of appreciation is less than that of others. If you feel that your husband is wrong, why did you marry him in the first place? This proves that you were firstly wrong. In order to have a good family, the husband must know how to appreciate the wife, and the wife must know how to appreciate the husband. One must not say something bad while others are saying something good about his or her spouse. You must discover his or her virtues. You must be sensitive to his or her merits. Whenever the opportunity arises, you must publicly acknowledge his or her virtues and speak your feelings. You are not telling lies. You are telling facts. When you appreciate your husband or your wife, your family will become more united, and your relationship more solid. If you do not do this, you will bring many problems to the family. Many misunderstandings and problems in the family arise as a result of neglecting this matter.

　In England, a sister once married a brother, but the brother never said anything good about her all her life. This sister was always worried, saying, “I have failed as a wife. I have failed as a Christian.” She worried so much that she contracted tuberculosis and later died. Before she died, her husband said to her, “If you die, I do not know what I will do because you have done so much for me. If you pass away, what will happen to our family?” The wife asked, “Why did you not say this earlier?” Then she went on, “I have always felt that I was not good, and I rebuked myself for it. You have never once said that I was good. I was sad and worried and always thought that I was wrong. That is why I became sick and am about to die.” This is a true story. The husband told her how he felt only on her deathbed. Please remember that there is always a place in the family for kind words. We should learn to speak more kind words. We should learn to appreciate our wives and our husbands.

　I know of some brothers who do not do well because their wives never appreciate them. The wives always think that their husbands are useless. They say to their husbands, “Among all the brothers, you are the only useless one.” These brothers become self-condemning. They say, “I cannot do anything. My wife says that I am no good. The person who knows me the most says that I am no good.” As a result, they actually turn out to be no good. Whether or not one has a happy family life depends not only on closing our eyes to the others’ weaknesses, but also on finding out the other party’s virtues and appreciating them. Sometimes we have to tell the other party about it or acknowledge it in public. If we do this, many problems in the family will disappear.

Ⅴ

BEING POLITE

　One also must exercise politeness in the family. It is repugnant for anyone to be impolite to others. You should treat everyone politely, no matter who he or she may be. No matter how familiar you are with a friend, you should never give up your manners. As soon as you give them up, you will lose him. No matter how close you are to others, you will lose them the moment you give up your manners. In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul told us that love does not behave unbecomingly. Love does not allow anyone to give up his manners. Please remember that problems at home often arise because of small matters. It is often at home that a person behaves with unbecoming manners. Most people think that they can throw away their manners because their wife or husband is so familiar to them. Please remember that the joy and pleasure of human relationships have much to do with manners. As soon as you throw away proper manners, the ugly side of human nature will surface. No matter how familiar people are with one another, they must maintain proper manners between them. A brother put it aptly once when he said that manners are like the lubricating oil in a machine. The machine will run smoothly only with the lubricating oil. When two persons are together and manners are lacking, friction will arise and uncomfortable feelings will breed.

Words

　In the home, we have to learn to always say, “Thank you” and “I am sorry.” We should take care of polite words such as thank you, may I, I am sorry, and please. If you do not know how to use these words, you cannot even make friends, let alone succeed at home. Christians must remember that love does not behave unbecomingly. You must learn to say, “I am sorry,” “Thank you,” and “May I” at home. Learn to speak polite words in the family.

Dress

　In the family not only must our words be proper and polite, but even the way we dress has to be proper and tidy. Everyone wants to dress properly in front of their friends. But one should dress properly in his family as well. You must dress neatly and be proper with your clothing. Love does not behave unbecomingly. Do not be loose through familiarity. Once you become familiar, you become loose, and it is easy to act impolitely. Familiarity breeds disrespect and contempt. Husbands and wives are already very familiar with each other. If propriety is absent, more familiarity will breed. Therefore, be proper in the way you dress yourselves. Do not save your sloppy dress for wearing at home.

Conduct

　I cannot say that I have known many families, but I cannot say that I have known few either. When a person is discreet at home, his family will have less problems. I have observed that when a husband and wife are polite to each other, there is more peace and less noise from the plates and chopsticks. Where manners are wanting and things are thrown around, the family is full of friction. If a husband and wife are polite to each other at home, they will at least be able to maintain a peaceful family.

　I believe that if many wives treated their friends the way they behaved in their family, no one would want to come to their houses. I also believe that if many husbands treated their colleagues the way they behaved at home, none of their colleagues would want to work with them. I want to tell the brothers that their wives have been very tolerant with them. They have tolerated what no colleagues would tolerate. I also want to tell the wives that their husbands have been very tolerant with them. If they treated their best friends the same way, their friends would desert them. Being impolite is an expression of crudeness. No Christian may be crude. A person who has learned the proper lessons will never be an impolite person.

Voice

　We must see that the family will not be peaceful as long as the tone of voice is wrong. Any tone of voice that is improper, strong, harsh, or proud must not be allowed in the family. Any tone of voice that is self-pitying, self-loving, or that gives the impression of a self-pronounced martyr must not be found in the family. If you speak in other places with the tone of voice that you use at home, you will ruin your career. Yet you allow such a tone of voice to remain in the family. It is no wonder that you are experiencing trouble at home. Therefore, we need to learn to be polite. Love does not behave unbecomingly, even in one’s tone of voice. Do not speak loosely. If one is careless with his tone of voice in the family, his family will not go on well.

Ⅵ

ALLOWING LOVE TO GROW

　Love is the foundation of a marriage. It is also the foundation of the family. Love leads two people into marriage, and it keeps them together in the family. Love grows easily if you feed it properly. However, it dies easily if you starve it. Many people love each other before they are married, and so they marry one another. But after they are married, they begin to starve their love, and their love gradually dies.

　Marriage without love is a painful thing. A family that is without love is an even more painful thing. If a family is without love, it may not feel the pain of it now. It may not feel anything before the couple reaches middle age. But when they become old, you will find that something is wrong with this family; it is too cold! The difference between a family that has love and one that has no love is very great. Learn to feed your family with love before you reach middle age. Try your best to feed it and nourish it. If you do this, your home will be full of love.

　Another point which needs much attention: Every married person should find out the things that the other person is most afraid of. Do not indulge in your own carefree lifestyle. Every person has something which he or she hates or fears the most. This hatred and fear may be related to a moral weakness. Husbands and wives must learn to accommodate each other and learn to adjust themselves in this case. One person may fear and abhor something that is not at all related to a moral weakness. In this case the other party should learn to compromise completely.

　Let me give one or two examples. A few years ago I read a story about a husband in America who sued his wife for abuse. This story may sound funny, but it is also scary. This husband could not stand monotonous sounds. He simply could not tolerate them. Originally, he and his wife were deeply in love, but the marriage came to a crisis after two years. His wife loved to knit, but he could not bear the sound of it. For the first year or two, he tried to tolerate it. But gradually it became worse. By the seventh year, he could no longer tolerate it, and he sued her for mental abuse. The judge declared that it was not a crime to knit and did not grant them the divorce. The husband told the judge, “Before I was married, she was like a lamb to me and I loved her. After a year of marriage, I found out that she was addicted to knitting. Each time she completed a piece, she would take it apart and knit it back all over again. She just loves to knit. Today I cannot bear the sight of any woolen yarn. I cannot even bear the sight of a lamb; as soon as I see one I try to kill it. If you do not grant me the divorce, do not blame me for killing someone else’s lamb.” Do you see the problem here? It is a real problem. His wife felt that there was nothing wrong with her knitting, but her husband hated knitting so much that he was driven to kill any lamb that he saw.

　Please remember that everyone has things that he does not like and things that he fears. These things may have nothing to do with morality. A person may hate monotonous sounds; this is his peculiarity. Everyone has his own peculiarity, which has nothing to do with morality. For any family to be successful, the husband and the wife must never do anything which the other party considers obnoxious, even though he or she may not have the same feeling about it. If you do something which the other party cannot stand, yet have no feeling about it, you will end up having problems in your family.

　In Shanghai I had many occasions to talk to families. During my travels, I also talked to many families. The things that a family fights over are often very small matters. To outsiders and friends, they may be small matters. But when these so-called small matters happen with such frequency that it exhausts a person’s patience, major problems occur in the family.

　We must realize before God that it is a very delicate thing for two persons to live together. This is not an easy task. Never think that we can be loose in this. What you consider inconsequential may be intolerable to the other party. You will be mentally torturing the other party if you do what he or she cannot stand.

Ⅶ

NOT BEING SELFISH

　I remember a pastor in America who conducted the marriage of more than 750 couples during his lifetime. In every wedding he would advise the newlyweds to take note of one thing—not to be selfish. After they were married, they had to love each other and not be selfish. When the pastor was old, he wrote to all the couples asking how they were doing. All of them replied that they were able to have a happy family life because they took his advice about not being selfish. This is very unusual in America. At least twenty-five percent of American marriages end up in divorce today. But these seven hundred or more couples had lived happily with each other.

　We must see that selfishness is a big problem. We must learn to feel what the other person feels. We must learn to feel his pain, his joy, his dislikes, his problems, and his inclinations. A person cannot be a good husband or a good wife if he or she is subjective. Those who are subjective are selfish. In fact, self-love is the most subjective thing.

　A basic condition for marriage is self-sacrifice. Sacrifice means learning to please the other person. If you want to please the other person, you must be objective, not subjective. It is not a matter of your likes and dislikes, but of the other party’s likes and dislikes. Learn to discover what the other party likes. Learn to understand him and his views. Learn to stand on his side, and learn to understand him and yourself from his perspective. Learn to sacrifice your own feelings, your own opinions, and your own views as much as possible. Try to understand and know the other side. Pursue self-sacrifice and love. If you do this, you will have fewer problems in the family.

　Many married men think that they are the center of the universe. They think that the whole universe revolves around them. When they marry a girl, they receive her into the family for their own welfare and benefit. Those who think this way surely bring problems to their family. A wife may also think that she is the center of the universe and that everyone exists for her sake. She may think that everyone is for her happiness, and that when she found a husband, she actually found a slave. For her, everyone else is peripheral and she is the center. She marries a husband only for the purpose of achieving her goal. Such a marriage will surely fail. It serves nothing but self-interest. Brothers and sisters, your family will have problems unless you pay attention to this matter.

Ⅷ

ALLOWING THE OTHER PARTY THE FREEDOM TO KEEP SECRETS AND HAVE PRIVATE POSSESSIONS

　In a home, you must allow the other person to have a certain amount of freedom and confidentiality. You must also allow the other person to keep his or her private possessions.

　In many homes wives do not have any rights. In other homes husbands do not have any rights. These kind of families are bound to have problems. You may be a husband or a wife, but bear in mind one thing: Anybody in the world can be loved except one type of person—a jailer. No one can love a jailer, a prison warden, or someone who imprisons him. No one can love those who take away his freedom. Many husbands are like prison wardens to their wives. For them to expect their wives to love them is like expecting a prisoner to love the prison warden; nothing can be more impossible than this. They hope for the impossible. Many wives are prison wardens to their husbands. They are asking the impossible when they want their husbands to love them. Prison wardens are objects of fear, not objects of love. You can never completely take away a person’s own freedom. Although marriage does take away a man or a woman’s freedom, not all freedom should be sacrificed. The husband does not have to give up all his freedom to the wife, nor does the wife have to give up all her freedom to her husband. If you expect your wife to give up all her freedom to you, this is the same as saying that you want her to fear or hate you.

　No one likes to lose all of his freedom; this is human nature. Even God gives us freedom. The biggest proof of this is that there are no fences around hell. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil was not surrounded by the fiery sword of the cherubim from the beginning. If God did not want man to have any freedom, He would have surrounded the tree of the knowledge of good and evil with the fiery sword of the cherubim in the first place, and Adam and Eve would not have eaten the fruit. But God does not infringe upon man’s freedom. For this reason, every husband should leave room for the wife, and every wife also should leave room for the husband. If you take away all freedom and make all the decisions, it is only natural that the other party will fear you. If you are not careful, the other party may go further; he or she may hate you. As soon as freedom is gone, hatred comes in. At the minimum, fear will come in.

　The husband must learn to give the wife some freedom, and the wife must learn to give the husband some freedom. Allow the other party to have his own time, his own money, and his own possessions. Do not think that you can borrow your wife’s time for your use just because you are her husband. Both the husband and the wife have to learn to keep their place. When you waste your wife’s time, you are taking away her freedom. Small matters can become serious problems later.

　Every husband and wife should have his or her own secrets. This is a legitimate thing. The right hand does not need to know what the left hand does. If he is the left hand, it is not necessary for you as the right hand to know what he is doing. Learn to respect individuality. Do not make two persons one. If you keep this rule, you will avoid many problems in the family.

Ⅸ

THE WAY TO SOLVE FAMILY PROBLEMS

　What should we do when there are disputes between the husband and the wife? How do we solve family disputes? It is inevitable for husbands and wives to encounter problems and enter into arguments. However, since both are adults and are children of God, they must learn to know what the other person’s problem is, and where they differ. Before they can solve any disputes, they must know where the problem lies.

Any Settlement Needing to Be Fair

　Any settlement must be fair. If it is not fair, it will not last. Do not expect one party to endure to the end. One out of ten Christians may endure to the end. But the other nine will not able to endure to the end. If a solution is not fair, sooner or later the problem will come back again. When I was in Shanghai, I arbitrated in some family disputes. Many people wondered why tiny matters could be blown up to such a big scale. You must realize that when small matters are blown up, they are not blown up because of the matters themselves but because of history. It is the accumulation of a series of things that leads to the explosion. The explosion may be ignited by small matters, but the underlying cause may have been an accumulation of grudges over the years. Do not consider any matter to be trivial. Problems surface today because they were not dealt with in a fair way in the first place, and patience ran out in the meantime.

Holding Conferences between Husbands and Wives

　Many times, problems are solved as soon as the husband hears a word from the mouth of his wife, or the wife hears a word from the mouth of her husband. Many wives will only speak but will not listen to their husbands. If they would just listen, their problems would go away.

　Both husband and wife should sit down and discuss the matter in an objective way, not in a subjective way. Once they become subjective, the discussion will fall apart. While they are talking, they should try to find the right judgment and the right feeling. They may not know who is right, but they should try to find out what is right. They should try to understand what each one is saying. Both must do this objectively, not subjectively. Both should speak, and after speaking, they should pray together. Always seek settlement through prayer. Ask the Lord to clearly show them where the problem lies. If they can follow this advice, the problem will be more or less settled by the time they pray together a second time. Many problems arise because they have not sat down to listen to each other and to listen objectively. As soon as they sit down and listen objectively, half of the problem is solved. As they sit and listen some more, they will discover where the problem lies.

　During the first few years of a marriage life, a family should have this type of meeting two or three times a year. Each side will then learn where problems lie and how to deal with them. Many families need to learn this lesson. It will surely solve many problems within the family.

Ⅹ

THE NEED FOR CONFESSION AND FORGIVENESS

　When a Christian does something wrong, the basic principle is to not cover it up. It is not enough to just repent for it. When a Christian does something wrong, the basic principle is to confess. A Christian does not cover up or turn away from a sin; this is not enough to be called a Christian. When a Christian does something wrong, he must confess and say, “I was wrong in this.” Every wrong must be confessed. Whenever there is any wrong between the husband and wife, there must be confession. One must acknowledge, “I have done wrong.”

　You confess when you are wrong. But what happens when the other person is wrong? You have to treat it the same way that you treat all Christian relationships. When there is any wrongdoing, learn to forgive. Do not delve into the matter and do not be vindictive. Love does not take account of evil. This means that it does not remember the sins of others. Learn to forgive them before the Lord. Once you forgive, you should forget. You have to lay aside what you have forgiven. Do not be like Peter, who tried to count the number of times others offended him (Matt. 18:21-22). As long as you are counting, you are not forgiving. Real forgiveness does not count the number of times one forgives. As soon as you forgive, the matter is over. In order for a family to go on, there must be forgiveness.

Ⅺ

CONSENT OF BOTH PARTIES IN SEEKING HELP FROM THE CHURCH

　However, sometimes one needs to refer a certain matter to the church. Please remember that a person should not bring the matter to the church alone. The husband must seek the consent of the wife and vice versa before they can bring their dispute to the church. The two persons must have exhausted their means of handling the situation, and they now want the church to step in to help them. They should not come with their quarrels, but as those who are seeking help from the church. Both must come, and both must speak. Suppose both are willing to come to the church and say, “We are Christians. There is something between us. We would like the church to point out what is wrong.” One will tell the church how he feels, and the other will tell the church how she feels as well. When both do this, it is easy for the church to step in to solve the problem. This is not an occasion for vindication. It is not the time for each person to expose the other’s faults. Neither is it a time to get into a brawl. The purpose of telling the church is for both parties to sincerely discover where the problem lies.

Ⅻ

LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE THE LORD

　In order to settle family problems and to have a good family life, there is also the need of positive influence. In particular, families with children should set aside a time for prayer together, a time for waiting upon the Lord and for fellowshipping about spiritual matters. Both the wife and the husband should be open to judgment from God’s light concerning many matters. Neither the husband nor the wife should try to save his or her “face.” Both should be willing to come under the judgment of God’s light. There should be many spiritual transactions in the family. The members of the family should spend much time in prayer and spiritual fellowship together. This is especially true for families with children. They must seek opportunities to come more often to the Lord. In order for a family to go on properly, the husband and the wife should both live before the Lord. As soon as they do not live before the Lord, their family will have problems.

XIII

THE PROPER CHURCH LIFE BEING MAINTAINED THROUGH A PROPER FAMILY LIFE

　I have mentioned twelve items. I hope that you will learn these lessons in the family. Do not be careless or foolish in these matters. If you do not learn your lessons well, family problems will soon become church problems. If a man cannot live together with his wife at home and cannot be one with her, he can never be one with the brothers and sisters in the church. This is a fact. A person cannot possibly fight at home with his wife and come to the church with hallelujahs in his mouth. One can only be a good brother in the church when he is a good husband and father at home. A good church life is maintained through good families. The husbands have to be good and the wives also have to be good. Then the church life will be free of problems.

　　读经：

　　歌罗西书三章十八至十九节：“你们作妻子的，当顺服自己的丈夫，这在主里面是相宜的。你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，不可苦待他们。”

　　彼得前书三章一至七节：“你们作妻子的，要顺服自己的丈夫；这样，若有不信从道理的丈夫，他们虽然不听道，也可以因妻子的品行被感化过来；这正是因看见你们有贞节的品行，和敬畏的心；你们不要以外面的辫头发、戴金饰、穿美衣，为妆饰，只要以里面存着长久温柔安静的心为妆饰；这在神面前是极宝贵的。因为古时仰赖神的圣洁妇人，正是以此为妆饰，顺服自己的丈夫；就如撒拉听从亚伯拉罕，称他为主；你们若行善，不因恐吓而害怕，便是撒拉的女儿了。你们作丈夫的，也要按情理与妻子同住；因她比你软弱，与你一同承受生命之恩的，所以要敬重她；这样便叫你们的祷告没有阻碍。”

　　以弗所书五章二十二至二十三节：“你们作妻子的当顺服自己的丈夫，如同顺服主。因为丈夫是妻子的头，如同基督是教会的头。祂又是教会全体的救主。”

　　我们已经说过怎样挑选配偶，这是对年轻的弟兄姊妹说的。可是在我们中间，不都是年轻的；将来初信的人，也有已经结婚的。在圣经里，对于已经结婚的人，另外有教训。在圣经里，有的地方教训我们怎样作丈夫，有的地方教训我们怎样作妻子。一个人在没有结婚之前，可以挑选一个难处最少的人和他结婚。但是在一个人已经结婚之后，就应当在神面前学习，如何作丈夫，如何作妻子，来减少家庭的难处，和教会的难处。

　Scripture Reading: Col. 3:18-19; 1 Pet. 3:1-7; Eph. 5:22-23

　We have already covered the subject of choosing a mate. That word was for the young brothers and sisters. However, not everyone among us is young. In the future some new believers among us will be married ones. The Bible has clear teachings for those who are married. Some portions of the Word contain teachings for husbands, and some portions contain teachings for wives. Before a person is married, he should do his best to choose someone with the fewest number of weaknesses. However, after a person is married, he or she has to learn to behave in a way that avoids causing problems to the family or the church.

壹

　　所有已经结婚的人，头一件事必须看见，作丈夫，或者作妻子，是最严重的事。

　　我们每一个人，都必须有相当的预备，才能够就业。好像一个作医生的，要花五年，六年，七年的训练。一个作教员的，也得在师范学校读几年，才能出来教书。作工程师的，也得在大学里读四年，才能够作。一个人要作护士，也要读三年书。但是希奇，一个人作丈夫，一天都没有花工夫学；一个人作妻子，也一天都没有花工夫去学。怪不得有不好的丈夫，有不好的妻子。他们没有想一想，学一学。我今天请一个人来看病，如果他是一个从来没有学过医的，我怕他，我不放心。今天如果有一个护士，是从来没有学过的，我怕她，我不放心。今天要请一个教员教学生，如果那一个教员是从来没有学过的，我怕他，我不放心。今天我要盖一所房子，我只敢请一个人是作土木工程师的。没有学过土木工程的，我怕他，我不放心。同样，今天一个人要作丈夫，要作妻子，如果没有学过，我也不放心。

　　因为我们的父母，没有教训我们怎样作丈夫，怎样作妻子。就是因为我们成年了，职业也有了，养家的能力也有了，对象也有了，所以就结婚吧。请你记得，家庭中的难处，夫妻中的难处，就是从没有预备起的。两个人好像忽然间被人拖到婚姻里，被人请去作丈夫，被人请去作妻子，一点预备都没有，这一个家庭定规不好。所以我们要看见说，在我们一生之中，不管作什么事，总得有一点学习，总不敢突然而作。我们必须有一点预备，必须有一点学习，才能去作。

　　同时我们要看见说，在世界上，没有一个职业比作丈夫更困难，没有一个职业比作妻子更困难。所有的职业都是有钟点上下班的，只有这一个职业是一天二十四点钟不停的。所有的职业都有退休的时候，只有这一个职业没有退休的时候。这是非常厉害的职业，也是非常严重的职业。

　　我们现在就是不提已往的，你这一个不能作丈夫的人，已经作了丈夫。你这一个不能作妻子的人，已经作了妻子。你已经作了，你已经到了这一个地步。因为你马虎的缘故，所以家庭弄不好。到了今天，你要看见说，家庭是一件严重的事。所以，你应当回头再去学。作丈夫的人，要回头再去学怎样作丈夫。作妻子的人，要回头再去学怎样作妻子。

　　我愿意说，一个人以对付职业的态度来对付家庭，不一定能成功。但是今天人对付家庭的态度，远赶不上对付职业的态度。所以他这一个家庭非失败不可。你要把全副精神摆进去作，比从事职业还要认真。如果你马马虎虎的作，不当一件事情来作，这一个家庭怎能不失败呢？所以，你如果要你的家庭变作成功的家庭，你就必须把它当作一件事情来作，必须花工夫来作。不成功的总要作成功。这是严重的事，无论如何要成功。所有不留心，没有意思要他的婚姻成功的，他的婚姻一定不能成功。

　　所以，所有已经结婚的弟兄姊妹，你们应当学习，花工夫在神面前负责的对付。这一个比任何的职业更困难。你们在神面前应当花工夫学。盼望你们今天就起首要学。

　The first thing a married person must realize is that it is a serious matter to be a husband or a wife. Everyone needs a certain amount of preparation before taking a job. For example, a doctor needs five, six, or seven years of training before he can practice medicine. A teacher has to spend a few years in a teaching college before starting to teach. An engineer also needs to spend four years in the university before launching his career. Even a nurse needs to study for three years in preparation for her career. But the interesting thing is that no one spends a day learning how to be a husband or a wife. It is no wonder that there are so many bad husbands and wives. They have never sat down to consider how to be a proper husband or a proper wife. I would be very hesitant and uneasy about asking someone to treat my illness if he had never studied medicine. Likewise, I would be very hesitant and uneasy about using a nurse who had never studied nursing before. I would be fearful and uneasy about hiring a teacher who had never been trained. If I wanted to build a house, I would only want to hire a civil engineer. I would worry and be afraid if he were not a trained civil engineer. Similarly, I have doubts about those who have become husbands or wives without ever being trained.

　Our parents never taught us to be husbands or wives. When we grow up, we find a job. When we have the ability to support a family, we find a partner and get married. Please remember that many difficulties arise between the husband and the wife because neither has undergone any preparation. When two persons are drawn into a marriage unprepared and suddenly find themselves husband and wife, how can they expect anything but problems for the family? Everything we do with our life requires training; we dare not jump into anything rashly. We prepare for our work and try to learn something about it before we plunge into it.

　We must see that no job is more difficult than the job of being a husband or a wife. All jobs have fixed working hours. This is the only job that takes up all twenty-four hours of the day. Every job has a retirement age except this one. This is a very serious vocation and a very important one.

　For now we will put the past behind us. Even though you were not prepared when you became a husband or a wife, you have nevertheless become one. You are already married and have reached this point in your life. Perhaps your looseness in the past has ruined your family. Today you have to see that the family is a very serious matter. You have to go back and learn your lessons all over again. The husbands need to go back to learn how to be husbands, and the wives need to go back to learn how to be wives.

　It may not work for a person to try to apply the same earnestness he adopts in his job to his family. The truth, however, is that many people are far more careless toward their family than they are toward their jobs. This invites inevitable failure into their family. We have to pour all of our energy into building our family. We have to be more conscientious with it than with our jobs. If we behave carelessly and do not consider being a husband or a wife a serious occupation, our family will end up with nothing but failure. If we want our family to be a successful family, we have to cherish it as a job and spend time with it. We have to try our best to make it work. This is serious business, and we have to make it work at all costs. Those who are careless about their marriage and have no intention of making it a success will never have a successful marriage.

　All married brothers and sisters must learn this lesson. We must spend time before the Lord to deal with this matter in a responsible way. This is a more difficult job than any other job. We need to spend time before the Lord to learn our lesson well. I hope that we will start learning it today.

贰

　　人一结婚之后，第一件要学习的事，就是要闭起眼睛来不看。

　　请你们记得，两个人住在一起作夫妇，一天过一天，一年过一年，也没有假期，一直是不离开的。你有够多的时间来找出对方的弱点，你有够多的时间来找出对方的难处。所以，你必须在神面前学习，一结婚之后，眼睛就要闭起来。结婚的目的，不是为着看出对方的弱点。结婚的目的，不是为着看出对方的难处。她是你的妻子，她不是你的学生。他是你的丈夫，他不是你的徒弟。所以并不需要你找出他的难处来帮助他。千万不要找出他的弱点来更改他。你们如果在这件事情上注意，家庭就建造在坚固的根基上。

　　就像我已经说过的，你们在没有结婚之前，眼睛要张得很大，要看得明白，所有的难处都要好好考虑。但是，等到已经结婚之后，就不管明白也好，不明白也好，从今天起就不要求明白。你如果要吹毛求疵，你很有机会可以找出来。神把你们两个人摆在一起，此后还有五十年，在这五十年之中，你们很有机会找出对方的弱点来。所以所有已经结婚的弟兄姊妹，必须看见说，结婚之后，第一件事就是闭起眼睛，不看对方有什么难处，不看对方有什么弱点。你不去看他，已经知道许多了，如果再故意去看他，那一个难处要越过越多。

　　神安排两个人作夫妇，神安排在这两个人之间有顺服，有爱。神没有安排作夫妇的人在那里找出对方的难处，而去更正对方。神不是设立你作教师，神也不是设立你作先生。所有的丈夫都不是妻子的教师，所有的妻子都不是丈夫的先生。没有一个人需要更改她的丈夫，没有一个人需要更改他的妻子。你娶来的是什么种的人，你就该盼望继续和她在一起。不需要去看对方的难处和弱点，想要帮助她。这一种帮助的思想，根本是错的。已经结婚的人，要学习眼睛闭起来。要学习爱对方，不必学习帮助对方，更改对方。

　After a person is married, he should learn to close his eyes so that he does not see. In a marriage two persons live together as husband and wife. They do this day by day, year by year, without any leave of absence or separation. There is plenty of time for each one to find the other person’s weaknesses and faults. You have to learn before the Lord to close your eyes the day you are married. The purpose of a marriage is not to discover the weaknesses in the other party; it is not to discover the other party’s flaws. Your wife is not your student, and your husband is not your disciple. There is no need for you to seek out his faults in order to “help” him. Never look for weaknesses and never try to correct. If you take heed to this warning, your family will be on a firm foundation.

　As I mentioned earlier, one has to open his eyes wide to discern and consider all the faults of the other party carefully before entering into a marriage. But after he is married, he should not try to know anything more. From the day he is married, he should forget about trying to understand anything. If he tries to find faults, he can easily find some. However, God has put the two together. They may have the next fifty years together. Each side will have all the opportunities he or she wants to find out the weaknesses of the other party during those fifty years. This is why the first thing to do after being married is to close your eyes to the other person’s faults and weaknesses. You know a great deal already. If you intentionally try to find out more, you will end up with nothing but trouble.

　When God puts two persons together as husband and wife, His intention is that there be submission and love between the two. He has no intention for them to discover each other’s faults or to correct each other. God has not made you a teacher or a master. None of the husbands are the teachers of their wives, and none of the wives are the masters of their husbands. No one needs to correct her husband, and no one needs to correct his wife. Whatever type of person you have married, you should expect them to continue in the same way. There is no need to look at the faults and weaknesses of others and try to change them. A motive of trying to change the other party is basically wrong. Those who are married must learn to close their eyes. Learn to love the other party. Do not try to help or correct them.

叁

要学习迁就

　　第三，要学习迁就。这一个乃是结婚后的第一个功课。不管夫妇两个人是何等的像，性情是何等的投合，你们迟早会找出来，两个人有许多的不同。你们还是有不同的看法，不同的喜欢，不同的恨恶，不同的主张和不同的倾向。你们迟早要找出来说，你们两个人的不同是何等的多。所以当你们一结婚之后，就要起首学习怎样能够彼此迁就。

　　什么叫作迁就？迁就的意思就是说，我到半路上去接他。我们所要注意的是双方的。最好是双方。如果不可能双方，至少你这一边要动身到半路上去接他。就是有许多的难处，总要想法子脱离你自己的地位，到他那边去。如果能够完全过去，这是最好的事，至少你要走到半路去接他。换句话说，两个人成功作夫妇之后，我要学习在许多事情上，至少改掉一半。如果能壳完全改是最好的，否则改一半也是好的。总是去接他。我不坚持我的看法，我要学习改变我的主张。虽然我原来是这样看法，但是我学习迁就对方。

　　我能够对你们说，如果一对青年结婚之后，在头五年学习迁就，五年之后，这一个家庭会变作平安快乐的家庭。如果在头五年，两个人都不认识什么叫作迁就，就是你到半路上来，我也到半路上来；我出来走一半的路，你也出来走一半的路；丈夫想迁就自己的妻子，妻子想迁就自己的丈夫；如果不是这样，这一个家庭就不容易和睦。所以，婚姻不是简单的事，要有好的婚姻，必须花工夫在里面。

　　迁就的意思就是说，我总要体会对方的难处。有的人特别怕声音，有的人特别怕安静，有的人一吵闹不能过日子，有的人非热闹不能过日子。所以你们就得学习迁就。一个人喜欢安静，另一个说话就轻一点声音。你看见他走了一半路，她也走了一半路，在这里有迁就。比方说，一个非常喜欢整洁，一个非常懒惰。如果要那一个懒惰的完全跟着整洁的，有一天那一个懒惰的要把衣服枕头完全抛掉，在那里大大唱歌说，我的妻子回娘家去了。如果要那一个整洁的妻子完全跟着懒惰的，什么都是弄得那么脏，她也就巴不得快快回娘家去了。

　　所以我们作基督徒，应当学习舍己。舍己会叫你迁就。作丈夫的人要学习迁就一点，作妻子的人也要学习迁就一点，这样，这一个家庭至少能够平安过日子，但是，不敢说就能够喜乐的过日子。如果在家庭里舍己，在家庭里定规有迁就。在家庭里一没有舍己，在家庭里定规没有迁就。

　　这一个迁就的事，在家庭里不是几件，几十件。可能是几百件，几千件。不能盼望少。这就是家庭的管治。因为在家庭里有许多需要迁就的地方，所以在这里就有家庭的管治，叫你们学习接受管治。你们要把自己的意见摆在一边，学习接受别人所看见的，学习迁就。

　One must learn to accommodate as well. This is the first lesson one must learn after he is married. No matter how much alike the husband and the wife are, and no matter how compatible their characters are, sooner or later they will discover many differences between them. They will have different opinions, different likes and dislikes, different ideas, and different inclinations. Sooner or later they will discover many differences between them. This is why a person must learn to accommodate the other person as soon as he is married.

　What does it mean to accommodate? The meaning of accommodation is to meet someone halfway. We need to take note that it is something mutual. The best thing is for both sides to give in. If it is not possible for both sides to give in, at least one side must try to go halfway. Even if one sees many problems, he should still try to move away from his own position to the other party’s position. It is best to move over completely. But at least one should meet the other halfway. In other words, after two people are married, both must learn to change at least half of everything they do. It is best to change completely. But at least they should change half of what they do. Always go out of your way to meet the other party. To accommodate means to not insist on one’s own view and to be willing to drop one’s ideas. A person may have a certain view, but he compromises his view for the other’s sake.

　If a young couple would learn to accommodate each other during the first five years of their marriage life, they would have a peaceful and happy family after these five years. Accommodation means one side goes halfway and the other side also goes halfway. It means one side moves halfway across and the other side also moves halfway across. The husband gives in to the wife, and the wife gives in to the husband. If neither party knows the meaning of this during the first five years of their marriage life, it will be difficult for the family to go on harmoniously. Marriage is not a simple matter. In order to have a good marriage, one must put much effort into it to make it good.

　Accommodating others means sympathizing with the other person’s limitations. Some people are very sensitive to sound. Others are very afraid of silence. Some cannot stand noise, while others cannot live without noise and excitement. That is why you have to learn to accommodate. If one person likes to be quiet and the other person lowers his voice for this one’s sake, both have gone halfway, and there is accommodation. Suppose one is extremely clean, while the other is extremely lazy. If the lazy one has to go along with the clean one all the way, he will throw down his pillows and clothes and sing for joy when his wife leaves for her parents. On the other hand, if the tidy wife always has to go along with the lazy one, she will want to move back to her parents’ home when she cannot put up with the mess.

　As Christians we should learn to deny ourselves. Self-denial makes one an accommodating person. Both the husband and the wife have to learn to accommodate each other. In this way the family will have peace, even if they do not yet have happiness. If there is self-denial in the family, there will surely be accommodation in the family. If there is no self-denial in the family, no one will be accommodating.

　Accommodation is needed not only in a few things or a dozen things but even in hundreds and thousands of things. We cannot expect anything less. This is the discipline God gives to us in the family. Because we have to accommodate others in the family, we are disciplined through the family. This is the way we learn discipline. We must learn to put our views aside and accept the views of others. We must learn to accommodate.

肆

要学习欣赏对方的长处

　　第四，我们一结婚之后，就要学习欣赏对方的长处。在家庭里面，一面说，我们要学习迁就，把眼睛闭起来；另一方面，我们要学习欣赏对方的长处。这就是说，当对方事情作得好的时候，必须有感觉。如果丈夫不会欣赏他自己的妻子，这一个家庭已经有了一个很大的漏洞。如果妻子不会欣赏自己的丈夫，家庭的关系上也已经有了很大的漏洞。这不是说，作丈夫的要去谄媚自己的妻子，或者说作妻子的想法子讨好自己的丈夫。乃是说，每一个人都应该学习看见对方的长处，看见对方好的地方，看见对方美的地方。

　　我认识一个地方聚会里的负责弟兄，所有的弟兄姊妹都看他是一个非常好的弟兄。但绝不能向他的妻子打听，因为他的妻子总是说他是最不行的丈夫。我记得，那一个师母常批评她自己的丈夫说，他不配作负责的弟兄。所以，在那一个地方聚会里，所有的弟兄姊妹都是顺服的，只有一个不顺服，就是他的妻子。你看见，这一个家庭不会作得好。

　　有的人呢？掉一个头。许多人都觉得一位姊妹很好，只有她的丈夫觉得她不好。我记得，有一年我在北平，几个人在那里谈话的时候，大家都称赞某某姊妹很好。谈到一半的时候，她的丈夫进来了。当然那一个话题没有停止，仍接下去谈说，那一个姊妹多好。但是，她的丈夫在那里一直不说话。他的意思似乎说，你们都不知道，我是娶错了人。这一种娶错了人的思想，这一种嫁错了人的思想，已经够把家庭破坏。

　　所以，作丈夫的人，欣赏的能力最少不能比人低。丈夫欣赏的能力不一定要比人高，但是最少不能比人低。如果你欣赏的能力低，你不是一个对的人。你如果觉得丈夫错，你当初为什么嫁他？这证明你自己是错的。所以，要家庭好，必须丈夫会欣赏妻子，妻子会欣赏丈夫。不能别人说好，你说不好。你要在那里注意他的长处，感觉他的长处。有机会的时候，要公开承认他的长处。有机会的时候，要说你自己的感觉。你不是在那里作虚谎的事，你是在那里作真实地事。当你在那里欣赏你丈夫或你妻子的长处的时候，请你记得，这个家庭的团结就比从前更坚固，那一个关切就比从前更可靠。如果不是这样，在家庭里就要出很大的毛病。有许多家庭的误会或难处，就是从这上面出事的。

　　在英国，有一位姊妹嫁给一个弟兄。一生一世，这一个弟兄从来没有说她作得好。这位姊妹一直挂虑说，我作妻子失败了，我作基督徒失败了。她一直挂虑到生了肺病，后来就死了。在她快要死的时候，她的丈夫对她说，“你如果死了，我不知道怎么作，因你作了许多好事。你如果去世，我们这一个家庭怎么办？”这一个妻子就问他：“你为什么不早一点说？”妻子说，“我一直觉得我不好，我责备我自己。你一次都没有说我好，我忧愁，我挂虑，我一直以为我不对，所以我病了，要死了。”这是一件真实地事。她的丈夫到她要死的时候才告诉她。请你们记得，在家庭里的确用得着好话，应当多说几句好话，我们要学习多讲几句好话，在那里学习欣赏我们的妻子，学习欣赏我们的丈夫。

　　我也知道，有的弟兄事情作得不好，就是因为他的妻子不欣赏他。他的妻子总是想他不行，常说，“在这么许多弟兄中，就是你不行。”结果叫这一个弟兄在外面作什么事都控告自己：“我什么事情都不行，我的妻子说我不行，认识我最清楚人的人说我不行。”结果他就不行。所以，家庭生活能否美满，不只对于对方的弱点，难处，眼睛要闭起来，并且要学习找出对方的长处，要欣赏对方。有的时候要告诉对方，有的时候要公开的承认。这样作，能够除去家庭的许多难处。

　Once we are married, we have to learn to appreciate each other’s virtues. In a family we need to learn to close our eyes to each other’s faults and accommodate each other on the one hand, and we need to learn to appreciate each other’s virtues on the other hand. This means that when the other person does something good, we must be sensitive to it. If a husband does not know how to appreciate his wife or vice versa, he or she opens up a big gap in the family. This does not mean that the husband has to flatter the wife or that the wife has to do something special to please the husband. It means that both must learn to appreciate the other person’s virtues, goodness, and beauty.

　I know a brother who is taking responsibility in a local church. All the brothers and sisters in that locality think that he is a very good brother. But if you ask his wife about him, she will tell you that he is hopeless. The sister constantly criticizes her husband, saying that he is not qualified to be a responsible brother. In that local church, all the brothers and sisters are submissive, with one exception—his wife. You will find that this kind of family will not go on well.

　We also know of cases involving the opposite circumstance, in which everyone says that a certain sister is very good, but her husband does not. One year I was in Peking talking to a few people. Everyone there spoke highly of a certain sister. Halfway through the conversation, her husband came in. As the conversation about the sister went on, her husband remained silent. He seemed to be saying, “You do not know her. I have married the wrong person.” The thought that one has married the wrong person has destroyed many families.

　A husband must not be behind others in his appreciation of his wife. He may not need to excel above others in his appreciation, but he must not be behind others. You are not a proper spouse if your level of appreciation is less than that of others. If you feel that your husband is wrong, why did you marry him in the first place? This proves that you were firstly wrong. In order to have a good family, the husband must know how to appreciate the wife, and the wife must know how to appreciate the husband. One must not say something bad while others are saying something good about his or her spouse. You must discover his or her virtues. You must be sensitive to his or her merits. Whenever the opportunity arises, you must publicly acknowledge his or her virtues and speak your feelings. You are not telling lies. You are telling facts. When you appreciate your husband or your wife, your family will become more united, and your relationship more solid. If you do not do this, you will bring many problems to the family. Many misunderstandings and problems in the family arise as a result of neglecting this matter.

　In England, a sister once married a brother, but the brother never said anything good about her all her life. This sister was always worried, saying, “I have failed as a wife. I have failed as a Christian.” She worried so much that she contracted tuberculosis and later died. Before she died, her husband said to her, “If you die, I do not know what I will do because you have done so much for me. If you pass away, what will happen to our family?” The wife asked, “Why did you not say this earlier?” Then she went on, “I have always felt that I was not good, and I rebuked myself for it. You have never once said that I was good. I was sad and worried and always thought that I was wrong. That is why I became sick and am about to die.” This is a true story. The husband told her how he felt only on her deathbed. Please remember that there is always a place in the family for kind words. We should learn to speak more kind words. We should learn to appreciate our wives and our husbands.

　I know of some brothers who do not do well because their wives never appreciate them. The wives always think that their husbands are useless. They say to their husbands, “Among all the brothers, you are the only useless one.” These brothers become self-condemning. They say, “I cannot do anything. My wife says that I am no good. The person who knows me the most says that I am no good.” As a result, they actually turn out to be no good. Whether or not one has a happy family life depends not only on closing our eyes to the others’ weaknesses, but also on finding out the other party’s virtues and appreciating them. Sometimes we have to tell the other party about it or acknowledge it in public. If we do this, many problems in the family will disappear.

伍

一

二

三

　　还有，在举勋上，也要有礼貌。拿东西的时候，最好用盘子端，最好是两只手。如果只能是一只手，就态度也得对。拿刀子给人的时候，不是把刀尖插到人身上去。拿剪刀给人的时候，不是把尖头给人。拿东西给人的时候，要送给他，不是摔给他。在家庭里要特别注意这一种的态度。一件东西，拿和摔最多时间省了三秒钟，但是那一个结果差了太多。要学习有礼貌。

　　我和人的家庭来往，虽然不多，也不少。一个人有礼貌，家庭里的难处就很少。我看见在家庭里夫妻有礼貌的，最少安静得多，最少盘子少响一点，筷子少响一点。那没有礼貌的，许多东西这样一摔，那样一丢，在家庭里就充满了摩擦。你看见，在一个家庭里，夫妻有礼貌，最少是一个平安的家庭。

　　我相信，今天有许多妻子的态度，拿去对待她的朋友，没有一个朋友要上她的家。我相信，今天许多丈夫的态度，拿去对待他的同事，所有他的同事都不要和他共事。所以要告诉弟兄们说，你的妻子已经很忍耐了，你的同事们所受不了的，她都忍受了。也要告诉许多作人妻子的姊妹说，你的丈夫很忍耐了，你如果把你对待你丈夫的态度来对待你的好朋友，她老早跑掉了。没有礼貌是粗的表示。没有一个基督徒可以粗。有学习的人，总是一个不失礼的人。

　One must also be proper in his conduct. Whenever one serves something, it is best to serve it on a plate and to offer it to others with both hands. If he has only one hand to spare, he should still be proper in his attitude. When he passes a knife to others, he should avoid pointing the sharp end at others. When he passes a pair of scissors to others, he should avoid giving the others the pointed end. When he serves others something, he should present it properly and not throw it at them. We have to pay particular attention to these little gestures around the house. The difference between throwing something at others and handing it to them is only three seconds. But what a great difference it makes! Therefore, learn to have manners.

　I cannot say that I have known many families, but I cannot say that I have known few either. When a person is discreet at home, his family will have less problems. I have observed that when a husband and wife are polite to each other, there is more peace and less noise from the plates and chopsticks. Where manners are wanting and things are thrown around, the family is full of friction. If a husband and wife are polite to each other at home, they will at least be able to maintain a peaceful family.

　I believe that if many wives treated their friends the way they behaved in their family, no one would want to come to their houses. I also believe that if many husbands treated their colleagues the way they behaved at home, none of their colleagues would want to work with them. I want to tell the brothers that their wives have been very tolerant with them. They have tolerated what no colleagues would tolerate. I also want to tell the wives that their husbands have been very tolerant with them. If they treated their best friends the same way, their friends would desert them. Being impolite is an expression of crudeness. No Christian may be crude. A person who has learned the proper lessons will never be an impolite person.

四

声音

　　在礼貌之中，还有一个要求，就是声音。要记得，每一句话，话虽然是一样，说法却不一样，声调也不一样。上司对下属说话的时候，有他的声调。朋友对朋友说话的时候，也有他的声调。人爱的时候，说话也有爱的声调。人恨的时候，说话也有恨的声调。今天我们把最好的声音在外面用光了，回到家里来，都用不好的声音，这是许多人的难处。在公事房里对同事很客气，在医院里对病人还忍耐，在学校里对学生都能相当留心的说话。但是，回到家里的时候，就随便什么声音都出来。请你记得，如果你把家里的声音挪到办公厅里去，两天就要被赶出去。许多人最没有礼貌的声音能够在家里面用，最粗的声音能够在家里面用，这一个家庭自然没有法子维持。

　　我们要看见说，声调一不对，家庭就不安。随便的声音，重的声音，硬的声音，骄傲的声音，可怜自己的声音，好像殉道者的声音，自己爱自己的声音；这些声音都不能摆在家庭里。你如果把今天用在家里的声音，挪到任何的范围里去，你的事业，你的职业都要失败。你把这种的声音摆在家庭里，怪不得家庭出事情。所以，要学习有礼貌。爱不失礼，在声音上也要不失礼。不要随便的说话。如果在家庭里有随便的声音，你很容易看见说，这一个家庭作不好。

　There is another factor crucial to our manner—our voice. We may say similar things, but the way we say it may be different. Our tone can be different. When a boss speaks to his subordinates, he has one kind of tone. When friends speak to friends, they have another kind of tone. When people are in love, there is love in their tone of voice. When a person hates, there is hatred in his tone of voice. The problem with most people today is that they have exhausted their nice tone of voice before they get home. When they come home they have only an ugly tone of voice left. We are polite to our colleagues in the office, we are tolerant of the patients in the hospital, and we speak carefully to students in the school. But we speak bluntly when we are at home. If you spoke in the office with the tone of voice you have at home, you would be chased out of your office in two days. Many people have a very crude tone of voice at home. They use the crudest language in their homes. It is no wonder that they cannot maintain a proper family life.

　We must see that the family will not be peaceful as long as the tone of voice is wrong. Any tone of voice that is improper, strong, harsh, or proud must not be allowed in the family. Any tone of voice that is self-pitying, self-loving, or that gives the impression of a self-pronounced martyr must not be found in the family. If you speak in other places with the tone of voice that you use at home, you will ruin your career. Yet you allow such a tone of voice to remain in the family. It is no wonder that you are experiencing trouble at home. Therefore, we need to learn to be polite. Love does not behave unbecomingly, even in one’s tone of voice. Do not speak loosely. If one is careless with his tone of voice in the family, his family will not go on well.

陆

必须叫爱生长

　　第六，在家庭里要作得好，必须叫爱能长，不要叫爱死。

　　常常有年轻的人问说，爱会死不会死？今天我能够在这里回答说，爱会死，并且容易死。爱，像所有有机的东西一样，需要喂养，需要食物。爱一没有食物就死了。你饿它，它就要死。你喂它，它就生长。

　　爱是婚姻的根基，爱也是家庭的根基。爱引两个人去结婚，爱也维持两个人在家庭里。你如果好好的喂养它，爱是很容易生长的。你如果饿它，爱是很容易死掉的。有许多人在结婚之前有爱，所以他们去结婚。在结婚之后，他们就下手去饿他们的爱，所以他们的爱就逐渐的死掉。

　　没有爱的结合是一件痛苦的事，没有爱的家庭更是一件痛苦的事。在一个家庭里没有爱，也许在目前，在中年以前还不觉得；但是到老年的时候，你就要看见说，这一个家庭是何等不行，是冰冷的家庭。那一个分别就大。所以要学习在中年以前，就喂养你家庭里的爱。要想法子喂养它，自然而然在这一个家庭里就充满了爱。

　　有一点还要注意的，就是说，每一个结婚的人，都应该找出对方所怕的是什么。绝对不要放纵自己随便的生活。每一个人都有他所最恨，他所最怕的东西。这一个恨，这一个怕，有的是人道德上的弱点。我就盼望作丈夫的，自己乐意有一点迁就；我也盼望作妻子的，也有一点迁就，彼此有纠正。有的没有道德上的弱点，却是对方所怕的，是对方所最不欢喜的，如果有这样的事，盼望你这一边要完全迁就。

　　我提起一两件事。前几年，我读过一个故事。在美国，有一个丈夫，到法庭去告他妻子虐待他。这一个故事，是有一点好笑，但是也很可怕。这一个丈夫怕单调的声音。他就是怕这一个。他和他妻子两个人爱相当深，但是，结婚之后，不到两年就不行了。他的妻子就是喜欢织绒线，一直有一种声音，他受不了。听了一年两年，到第七年，就到法庭上去告她，说她在精神上虐待他。法官说，织绒线没有罪，不能离婚。他说，我没有结婚的时候，我看她像羊羔一样，我爱她。姞婚了一年，我看她就是喜欢织绒线，而且不是织了就算，乃是织好了又完全拆掉，再织，就是喜欢织。弄到一个地步，不只我今天不要看见绒线，就是到街上去看见一只羊，我就想杀它。你如果不让我离婚，我把人家的羊杀了，你不要怪我。你们觉得这一个问题么？这是事实上的难处。他的妻子觉得织绒线没有什么，但是作丈夫的因怕织绒线，甚至连羊也要杀掉。

　　请你们记得，每一个人都有他所恨、所怕的东西。在这里里面没有道德的问题。一个人不喜欢听单调的声音，这就是他的特点。每一个人都有他的特点，那一个特点是没有道德的问题在里面的。每一个家庭要成功，作丈夫的，作妻子的，千万不要作一件事你看是不要紧，而另一个看是非常要紧的。你作一件事，他在那里忍不住，而你毫无感觉，这是会使家庭出问题的。

　　我在上海，常常和家庭来往。在我旅行的时候，也常常和家庭来往。家庭里的问题，所争的都是非常小的事。在旁的人面前，在朋友面前，以为是小的事，是无所谓的。但是，这些小的事，天天如此，常常如此，到一个地步，对方的忍耐都用光了，这一个家庭马上就要出非常重大的问题。

　　所以，你们在神的面前要看见说，两个人同居是非常细嫩的事，不是容易的事，不要以为可以随便。你所以为不要紧的事，刚好是另外一个人所恨的事，他就以为你给他精神上的虐待了。

　In order for a family to go on well, love must grow. One must not allow love to die. Often young people ask, “Is it possible for love to die?” I will answer today, “Yes, love can die, and it dies easily.” Love is like anything organic; it needs feeding, and it needs food. Love dies without food. If you starve it, it will die. But if you feed it, it will grow.

　Love is the foundation of a marriage. It is also the foundation of the family. Love leads two people into marriage, and it keeps them together in the family. Love grows easily if you feed it properly. However, it dies easily if you starve it. Many people love each other before they are married, and so they marry one another. But after they are married, they begin to starve their love, and their love gradually dies.

　Marriage without love is a painful thing. A family that is without love is an even more painful thing. If a family is without love, it may not feel the pain of it now. It may not feel anything before the couple reaches middle age. But when they become old, you will find that something is wrong with this family; it is too cold! The difference between a family that has love and one that has no love is very great. Learn to feed your family with love before you reach middle age. Try your best to feed it and nourish it. If you do this, your home will be full of love.

　Another point which needs much attention: Every married person should find out the things that the other person is most afraid of. Do not indulge in your own carefree lifestyle. Every person has something which he or she hates or fears the most. This hatred and fear may be related to a moral weakness. Husbands and wives must learn to accommodate each other and learn to adjust themselves in this case. One person may fear and abhor something that is not at all related to a moral weakness. In this case the other party should learn to compromise completely.

　Let me give one or two examples. A few years ago I read a story about a husband in America who sued his wife for abuse. This story may sound funny, but it is also scary. This husband could not stand monotonous sounds. He simply could not tolerate them. Originally, he and his wife were deeply in love, but the marriage came to a crisis after two years. His wife loved to knit, but he could not bear the sound of it. For the first year or two, he tried to tolerate it. But gradually it became worse. By the seventh year, he could no longer tolerate it, and he sued her for mental abuse. The judge declared that it was not a crime to knit and did not grant them the divorce. The husband told the judge, “Before I was married, she was like a lamb to me and I loved her. After a year of marriage, I found out that she was addicted to knitting. Each time she completed a piece, she would take it apart and knit it back all over again. She just loves to knit. Today I cannot bear the sight of any woolen yarn. I cannot even bear the sight of a lamb; as soon as I see one I try to kill it. If you do not grant me the divorce, do not blame me for killing someone else’s lamb.” Do you see the problem here? It is a real problem. His wife felt that there was nothing wrong with her knitting, but her husband hated knitting so much that he was driven to kill any lamb that he saw.

　Please remember that everyone has things that he does not like and things that he fears. These things may have nothing to do with morality. A person may hate monotonous sounds; this is his peculiarity. Everyone has his own peculiarity, which has nothing to do with morality. For any family to be successful, the husband and the wife must never do anything which the other party considers obnoxious, even though he or she may not have the same feeling about it. If you do something which the other party cannot stand, yet have no feeling about it, you will end up having problems in your family.

　In Shanghai I had many occasions to talk to families. During my travels, I also talked to many families. The things that a family fights over are often very small matters. To outsiders and friends, they may be small matters. But when these so-called small matters happen with such frequency that it exhausts a person’s patience, major problems occur in the family.

　We must realize before God that it is a very delicate thing for two persons to live together. This is not an easy task. Never think that we can be loose in this. What you consider inconsequential may be intolerable to the other party. You will be mentally torturing the other party if you do what he or she cannot stand.

柒

　　第七，在家庭里有另外一个条件，非常要紧，就是不能自私。

　　你如果结婚，你就得活出来像一个与人结婚的人。你不能活出来不像一个结婚的人。一个人结婚，林前七章说，要讨对方的喜悦（33~34）。家庭的难处，恐怕自私算是最大原因之一。

　　我记得，在美国有一个牧师，给人行婚礼，一生之中行了七百五十多对。他在每一次婚礼里讲道，都劝新婚的人注意一件事，就是不能自私。要结婚，就要有爱，不要自私。当这一个牧师年老的时候，就写信出去问那些结婚的人，这时候的情形如何。他们回信来说，家庭还是快乐的，因为不自私。以美国来说，这一个情形是特别的。在美国的婚姻中，有四分之一是离婚的。但是，这七百多对都很快乐。

　　所以，我们要看见，自私是大难处。我们要学习感觉对方的感觉，要学习摸出对方的痛苦，摸出对方的喜乐，要知道对方所怕的，要知道对方所恨的，要知道对方的难处，要知道对方的倾向。一个人一主观，就不能作好的丈夫。一个人一主观，就不能作好的妻子。所有主观的人都是自私的人。连自爱都是主观的。

　　我们必须看见，婚姻有一个基本的条件，就是牺牲，就是学习讨对方的欢喜。你如果讨对方的欢喜，你自己就要客观，不主观。不是你欢喜不欢喜，乃是要他欢喜。要学习找出他的喜欢，要学习明白对方的意思，要学习了解对方的看法。要学习站在他那一边来明白他自己，也要学习站在他那一边来明白你自己。要学习在可能的范围里牺牲你自己的感觉，牺牲你自己的意见，牺牲你自己的看法。寻求明白，寻求领会，寻求舍己，寻求爱。如果这样，这一个家庭的难处就相当的少。

　　有许多男的，结婚之后，在家庭里没有想别的，就是想他是全宇宙的中心，好像整个宇宙都是环绕着他。今天我娶一个妻子，接到我家里来，是为着我生活的利益，是为着我生活的好处。结果，这个家庭定规出事情，如果一个妻子以为说，我是宇宙的中心，所有的人都应当为我而活，所有的人都应当为着我的喜乐。我找到了一个人，就能够达到我奴役的目的。所有的人都在她的四围，她是中心。现在她把丈夫拿来，要达到她的目的。你马上看见，这一个婚姻定规失败。这一个婚姻是利己的婚姻。这一件事，弟兄姊妹要好好的注意。不然的话，家庭一定不会好。

　There is another consideration which is very important for the family: One must not be selfish. If you are married, you must live like a married person. You should not live like a bachelor. First Corinthians 7 says that a person marries to please the other person (vv. 33-34). Selfishness is probably one of the chief causes of family problems.

　I remember a pastor in America who conducted the marriage of more than 750 couples during his lifetime. In every wedding he would advise the newlyweds to take note of one thing—not to be selfish. After they were married, they had to love each other and not be selfish. When the pastor was old, he wrote to all the couples asking how they were doing. All of them replied that they were able to have a happy family life because they took his advice about not being selfish. This is very unusual in America. At least twenty-five percent of American marriages end up in divorce today. But these seven hundred or more couples had lived happily with each other.

　We must see that selfishness is a big problem. We must learn to feel what the other person feels. We must learn to feel his pain, his joy, his dislikes, his problems, and his inclinations. A person cannot be a good husband or a good wife if he or she is subjective. Those who are subjective are selfish. In fact, self-love is the most subjective thing.

　A basic condition for marriage is self-sacrifice. Sacrifice means learning to please the other person. If you want to please the other person, you must be objective, not subjective. It is not a matter of your likes and dislikes, but of the other party’s likes and dislikes. Learn to discover what the other party likes. Learn to understand him and his views. Learn to stand on his side, and learn to understand him and yourself from his perspective. Learn to sacrifice your own feelings, your own opinions, and your own views as much as possible. Try to understand and know the other side. Pursue self-sacrifice and love. If you do this, you will have fewer problems in the family.

　Many married men think that they are the center of the universe. They think that the whole universe revolves around them. When they marry a girl, they receive her into the family for their own welfare and benefit. Those who think this way surely bring problems to their family. A wife may also think that she is the center of the universe and that everyone exists for her sake. She may think that everyone is for her happiness, and that when she found a husband, she actually found a slave. For her, everyone else is peripheral and she is the center. She marries a husband only for the purpose of achieving her goal. Such a marriage will surely fail. It serves nothing but self-interest. Brothers and sisters, your family will have problems unless you pay attention to this matter.

捌

　　在家庭里，也必须给对方有相当的自由，给对方有相当的秘密，给对方有私有物。

　　有许多的家庭，妻子没有任何的权利。也有的家庭，丈夫没有任何的权利。结果，这个家庭定规出事情。一个家庭里，作丈夫的也好，作妻子的也好，基本上要记得一个事实，就是说，你能够爱全世界任何种的人，但有一种人你不能爱，就是腓立比的禁卒。没有一个人能够爱禁卒，爱典狱官，爱要你作囚犯的。凡叫你失去自由的，没有一个人能够爱他。请你们记得，有许多丈夫，对于他的妻子是一个典狱官。你盼望你的妻子爱你，你就是盼望一个囚犯来爱一个典狱官。这是没有可能的事。你的盼望太多，没有那个可能。有许多妻子是丈夫的典狱官，她盼望她丈夫来爱她，这是不可能的事。典狱官只会叫人怕，典狱官不会叫人爱。所以，每一个人，不管他如何，总不能把他所有的自由都拿去。虽然婚姻叫一个男人，叫一个女人，失去他的目由。但是，总不能叫所有的自由都失去。不是丈夫把所有的自由都给妻子，也不是妻子把所有的自由都给丈夫。如果你盼望妻子把所有的自由都给你，你就是盼望妻子怕你，或者恨你。

　　没有一个人愿意完全失去自由，这是人的天性。连神都给我们有自由。最大的凭据，就是地狱门口没有栏杆。最大的凭据，就是基路伯的火剑不在分别善恶树的四围。如果神不给人自由，就把基路伯的火剑围绕在分别善恶树的四围，亚当夏娃就不能吃它的果子。但是神不侵犯人的自由。所以，每一个丈夫都应当给妻子留下挑选的余地，每一个妻子也应当给丈夫留下挑选的余地。你把他的自由完全夺去，你替他出所有的主意，我告诉你，如果光是怕还是好的，不小心恨就来。因为自由一失去，恨就来；最少，怕会起来。

　　所以，在家庭里，丈夫要学习给妻子有相当的自由，妻子要学习给丈夫有相当的自由。可能有他自己的时间，可能有他自己的钱，可能有他自己的东西。不是说，因为两个是夫妇的缘故，我能够拖你的时间来用。夫妻都要学习守住自己的地位。你这样拖一拖，就把他的自由拖过来，叫他失去自由。你看见顶小的东西，能够发生顶大的难处。

　　每一个丈夫，每一个妻子，可以有他自己的秘密。这是一件合法的事。左手所作的事，可以不必给右手知道。他是左手，不必给你右手知道。所以，要学习尊重个人的存在，而不把两个人成功作一个。这样，这一个家庭能在许多事情上免去难处。

　In a home, you must allow the other person to have a certain amount of freedom and confidentiality. You must also allow the other person to keep his or her private possessions.

　In many homes wives do not have any rights. In other homes husbands do not have any rights. These kind of families are bound to have problems. You may be a husband or a wife, but bear in mind one thing: Anybody in the world can be loved except one type of person—a jailer. No one can love a jailer, a prison warden, or someone who imprisons him. No one can love those who take away his freedom. Many husbands are like prison wardens to their wives. For them to expect their wives to love them is like expecting a prisoner to love the prison warden; nothing can be more impossible than this. They hope for the impossible. Many wives are prison wardens to their husbands. They are asking the impossible when they want their husbands to love them. Prison wardens are objects of fear, not objects of love. You can never completely take away a person’s own freedom. Although marriage does take away a man or a woman’s freedom, not all freedom should be sacrificed. The husband does not have to give up all his freedom to the wife, nor does the wife have to give up all her freedom to her husband. If you expect your wife to give up all her freedom to you, this is the same as saying that you want her to fear or hate you.

　No one likes to lose all of his freedom; this is human nature. Even God gives us freedom. The biggest proof of this is that there are no fences around hell. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil was not surrounded by the fiery sword of the cherubim from the beginning. If God did not want man to have any freedom, He would have surrounded the tree of the knowledge of good and evil with the fiery sword of the cherubim in the first place, and Adam and Eve would not have eaten the fruit. But God does not infringe upon man’s freedom. For this reason, every husband should leave room for the wife, and every wife also should leave room for the husband. If you take away all freedom and make all the decisions, it is only natural that the other party will fear you. If you are not careful, the other party may go further; he or she may hate you. As soon as freedom is gone, hatred comes in. At the minimum, fear will come in.

　The husband must learn to give the wife some freedom, and the wife must learn to give the husband some freedom. Allow the other party to have his own time, his own money, and his own possessions. Do not think that you can borrow your wife’s time for your use just because you are her husband. Both the husband and the wife have to learn to keep their place. When you waste your wife’s time, you are taking away her freedom. Small matters can become serious problems later.

　Every husband and wife should have his or her own secrets. This is a legitimate thing. The right hand does not need to know what the left hand does. If he is the left hand, it is not necessary for you as the right hand to know what he is doing. Learn to respect individuality. Do not make two persons one. If you keep this rule, you will avoid many problems in the family.

玖

解决家庭难处的路

一

解决必须公平

二

要开夫妇会议

　　所以，最好我们旁边的人不管，让他们两个开夫妇会议。两个人有意见，让两个人把意见彼此对付。不要消息灵通到别处，而在家里不灵通。关于丈夫的消息，在二十里之外都知道，而丈夫自己不知道。关于妻子的，消息在二十里之外都知道，而妻子自己不知道。所以，要他们把自己的事，作妻子的说给丈夫听见，作丈夫的说给妻子听见，两个人自己清楚。我们已往的经验是说，丈夫从来不知道妻子的意见，妻子从来不知道丈夫的意见。别人都知道了，反而他们不知道。所以要给他们说话的机会，要对方说完了再说。防备会说话的人，把一切的话都说了。所以，丈夫要听妻子说，妻子要听丈夫说。

　　丈夫如果听过一次妻子说话，妻子如果听过一次丈夫说话，许多时候事情就解决了。常常有的妻子，只有自己说话，从来没有听过丈夫的话。如果听一下，许多时候难处就解决了。

　　坐下来谈的时候，必须把夫妇之中的争执很客观的拿出来，不是主观的拿出来。如果一主观，会议就开不成功。两个人在一起谈的时候是要找出那一个对的，是要找出那一个感觉。我不知道到底是你对，或者是我对，总要找出那一个对来。我要明白你的意思是如何。你要客观的作，不是主观的作。让他们两个人都说话。话说过之后，在一起祷告。总是在祷告之中求解决，求主明白指出两个人的难处在什么地方。若是能这样，总是到第二次祷告的时候，差不多的事都解决了。有许多难处就是因为两个人没有坐下来听话，没有客观的坐下来听话。一客观的坐下来听话，那一个难处已经除去了一半。再多一点，就找出那一个难处在什么地方。

　　一个家庭，在头几年里，这一种家庭的聚会能够开两次、三次，差不多你就能明白，到底难处在那里，应该怎么作。这一件事，在许多家庭里的的确确要学习。这的的确确会叫许多家庭的难处能够过去。

　It is best for outsiders to stay out of family disputes. Let the couple hold their own conference. Let them settle their own disputes when they get into an argument. Do not allow news to leak out of the family, while the family itself is left in the dark. Sometimes, news regarding the husband is heard twenty miles away and yet he does not know about it himself. Sometimes news about the wife travels the same way. Let the wife tell her own husband about their own affairs, and let the husband tell his own wife about their affairs. In this way both are clear. Our experience tells us that husbands seldom know what their wives are thinking about and vice versa. Everyone else knows what they are thinking about, but they themselves do not know what each other is thinking about. Therefore, allow both to have the opportunity to speak to each other, and each should wait for the other to finish before he or she speaks. Do not allow the talkative side to dominate the talk. The husband must listen to the wife, and the wife must listen to the husband.

　Many times, problems are solved as soon as the husband hears a word from the mouth of his wife, or the wife hears a word from the mouth of her husband. Many wives will only speak but will not listen to their husbands. If they would just listen, their problems would go away.

　Both husband and wife should sit down and discuss the matter in an objective way, not in a subjective way. Once they become subjective, the discussion will fall apart. While they are talking, they should try to find the right judgment and the right feeling. They may not know who is right, but they should try to find out what is right. They should try to understand what each one is saying. Both must do this objectively, not subjectively. Both should speak, and after speaking, they should pray together. Always seek settlement through prayer. Ask the Lord to clearly show them where the problem lies. If they can follow this advice, the problem will be more or less settled by the time they pray together a second time. Many problems arise because they have not sat down to listen to each other and to listen objectively. As soon as they sit down and listen objectively, half of the problem is solved. As they sit and listen some more, they will discover where the problem lies.

　During the first few years of a marriage life, a family should have this type of meeting two or three times a year. Each side will then learn where problems lie and how to deal with them. Many families need to learn this lesson. It will surely solve many problems within the family.

拾

必须有认罪有赦免

　　第十，在家庭里两个人必须有认罪，也必须有赦免。许多的错不能马马虎虎过去，必须认罪。自己的错不能马虎，总得认罪。别人的错总得赦免。

　　基督徒作错了事，基本的原则不是遮掩，也不是悔改。基督徒作错了事，基本的原则乃是认罪。基督徒不是作错了事盖起来，或者下一次不作就是了，这不是基督徒。基督徒作错了事，是要承认说，某一件事我错了。所以，一切作错了事的都得认罪。每一次在夫妻之中有把事情作错了的，就得悔改认罪说，我这一件事作错了。

　　这一个认错是在你错的时候。但是，对方错的时候，怎么办？这就要像在其他基督徒的关系里一样。人有错，要学习赦免，不能追究，不能计算。爱是不计算，就是指着不计算人的恶。不是把人的罪一一的记起来，乃是学习在神面前把他的罪一一的赦免。一赦免就得忘记，一赦免就得摆在一边。不能像彼得一样，在那里记账，这是第几次，第几次（太十八21~22）。一有第几次，你就看见说，没有赦免。正式的赦免，是不讲次数的。你一赦免，事情就过去。所以，一个家庭要作得好，必须有赦免。

　Between the two persons in the family, there must be confession and forgiveness. Many mistakes need to be confessed, not just ignored. Do not be careless about your own faults; you must always confess them. As for the faults of the other party, you must forgive them.

　When a Christian does something wrong, the basic principle is to not cover it up. It is not enough to just repent for it. When a Christian does something wrong, the basic principle is to confess. A Christian does not cover up or turn away from a sin; this is not enough to be called a Christian. When a Christian does something wrong, he must confess and say, “I was wrong in this.” Every wrong must be confessed. Whenever there is any wrong between the husband and wife, there must be confession. One must acknowledge, “I have done wrong.”

　You confess when you are wrong. But what happens when the other person is wrong? You have to treat it the same way that you treat all Christian relationships. When there is any wrongdoing, learn to forgive. Do not delve into the matter and do not be vindictive. Love does not take account of evil. This means that it does not remember the sins of others. Learn to forgive them before the Lord. Once you forgive, you should forget. You have to lay aside what you have forgiven. Do not be like Peter, who tried to count the number of times others offended him (Matt. 18:21-22). As long as you are counting, you are not forgiving. Real forgiveness does not count the number of times one forgives. As soon as you forgive, the matter is over. In order for a family to go on, there must be forgiveness.

拾壹

　　当家庭有难处的时候，自己先要用家庭的会议来对付。有的地方赦免，有的地方认罪。当家庭的难处不能带过去的时候，第三者是很不容易解决的。两个人的难处，在两个人之中是很容易解决的，加上第三个人就很不容易解决。所以，要尽力量叫难处简单地解决，而不要复杂的解决。你对第三个人说难处，就像把脚摔破了，把泥加进去。脚摔破了，不把泥加进去，容易解决。如果把泥加进去，就不容易解决。两个人的难处，不去告诉第三个人，容易解决。如果去告诉第三个人，这一件事就不容易解决。所以，要学习自己解决自己的问题，而不去告诉第三者。

　　有的时候，有些事情有难处，你愿意把它带到教会的面前。请你记得，你不应该一个人把事情带到教会的面前。夫妻之间有难处，如果要带到教会面前，丈夫要得妻子的许可，妻子要得丈夫的许可。我们两个人，这一件事不知道如何解决，我们要教会来解决。不是两个人闹意见，乃是两个人要请教会解决。两个人要一同来，两个人要一同说。如果两个人乐意到教会面前来说，我们是基督徒，我们夫妻之间有一件事，要教会来找出错在那里。我要把我的意思叫教会知道，你也要把你的意思叫教会知道，两个人都乐意这样作。这样，我们也很容易解决难处。这不是报复，也不是要拆穿对方的错处，也不是要闹事情。告诉教会的用意，乃是真心要寻求那一个错在什么地方。

　When a family has a problem, it must try to solve it first by calling a family meeting. In some cases one should forgive. In other cases one should confess. It is difficult for a third party to settle disputes within a family. The disputes between two persons are most easily solved between themselves. When a third party is involved, the situation becomes complicated. We should try to settle any dispute in as simple a way as possible. Do not look for complicated solutions. Referring a dispute to a third party is like adding mud to an injured leg. An injured leg without any mud is easily treated. But when mud is added, it is hard to deal with the wound. Disputes between two persons are more easily solved when a third party is not involved. As soon as a third party is informed, the problem is complicated. Therefore, a couple should learn to solve their own problems and should not try to inform a third party about it.

　However, sometimes one needs to refer a certain matter to the church. Please remember that a person should not bring the matter to the church alone. The husband must seek the consent of the wife and vice versa before they can bring their dispute to the church. The two persons must have exhausted their means of handling the situation, and they now want the church to step in to help them. They should not come with their quarrels, but as those who are seeking help from the church. Both must come, and both must speak. Suppose both are willing to come to the church and say, “We are Christians. There is something between us. We would like the church to point out what is wrong.” One will tell the church how he feels, and the other will tell the church how she feels as well. When both do this, it is easy for the church to step in to solve the problem. This is not an occasion for vindication. It is not the time for each person to expose the other’s faults. Neither is it a time to get into a brawl. The purpose of telling the church is for both parties to sincerely discover where the problem lies.

拾贰